How are you?

I came across this article and it had me thinking 💭 🤔 Yup, I seem to do a lot of that these days; shit, most days. Sometimes, I am not “fine.”

Here’s the infamous question that tv show host Wendy Williams has patented as, “How you doin?”     Check it out here>>>>    Fine

Thank you for visiting! Catch ya on the next Life Lesson post.

 

 

 

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Relationships

Relationships – What happened to forever?

Surely, we know that there are many types of relationships to be had. Family, work, INTIMATE, etc., all which come with their own expectations and faux rules. Easy peasy, rite? Do good, get good. What if the shit isn’t that simple?

So, here’s my thing with relationships and how they lied when:

The many types of intimate relationships from which I have learned consisted of heterosexual, bi-sexual, lesbian, bosses, OPP (other people’s property), shared relationships (business propositions) and all the shit that went along with them. Not all at once! That would be insane. Let me be clear, the OPP relationship was a teen romance (nightmare) but, nonetheless, has taught me a lot, only worth the mention. I learned early in life not to fuck with anybody that already had somebody.

Now the shit that came along with all theses different types of relationships that I write about were issues of infidelity, damaged self-esteem, betrayal of trust, physical abuse (in some cases sexual abuse) lack of support and the list can go on forever. Sound familiar? Gosh, I hope not. Some of those issues were ignited by me, I admit I was the culprit. And naturally, some of those issues were of no fault of my own; that was my claim. However, I still was the culprit. You must understand that in any given situation approachable, I had to consider MY part in it.

Although these days I’ve become known as a writer, I will make this as brief as possible. (skipping most of the glory details unless you request one on one talk time with me) Questions are certainly welcomed. This is my perspective…

Coming from a space in life I once was, I loved hard and was always searching. Since my teen years, I always found myself in a relationship and had the notion of never being alone. Truth learned was that until I was completely okay with ME, I realized I was alone while in these relationships. I point this out partially because now at age 41-years old, I am currently on my own; alone with me, myself and I.

Until recently, I was unclear as to what a healthy relationship consisted of so long as I had a boo, still lonely as hell with them. I still managed to have loved each one of them, including the ones who hurt me to my core (all of them).

In my learnings of myself, no relationship was as fulfilling as the one with myself and if this were a sermon, my relationship with God is amazing. I have both now and my life is great but it took lots of time and effort to get to this point. It wouldn’t be fair to me if I pretended that any of this was easy. It has been a difficult process. Ironically, for me, all the issues I mentioned above had to be revisited in the buildings of my relationship with God and MYSELF.

In short, I have been beat up by someone I once loved, I have been belittled, disrespected, embarrassed by being date-raped by someone I once loved. I realize this may sound horrible but, at the time, amid these relationships, it wasn’t so much horrible as it was normal. The normal rocky road of relationships. I mean, yes, there were moments I felt horrible; however, seemingly recovered rather quickly. I forgave a lot without pause. Desperation took me there. The problem came to surface when I felt like I was giving my all, despite the issues, and didn’t feel as though I had all of my mate. It was like, I had to always be the one to take responsibility for any wrong doing I may have done, but, when it came to the one hurting me, they always found some justification for it. I accepted it. Well guess what Kash? If a person gave you all of them, what are they left with for themselves? I thought the idea of giving all or nothing or getting all or nothing made for a great relationship. Now maybe, if we were to start talking marriage and the exchanging of vows, the details could change a bit.

I wanna focus a little on FOREGIVENESS. I recently finished reading a book that took some time to get through as I am not an avid reader. But, this book, Supernatural Relationships ~ How to Get Closer to the People You Care For by Ed Gungor, teaches the Godly way of dealing with all kinds of relationships. According to Ed, “forgiveness protects our lives from Satan’s strategy by violently opposing the evil that tries to enter after an offense comes.” Basically, by forgiving, I released to the negativity I was holding on to. (toward them and myself) I had to learn after years of dwelling on all the situations that had wronged me and the same for all things for which I wronged, it was time to forgive. Forgive others even if they did not ask to be forgiven. I had to forgive MYSELF as God already done, even if I did not know it. Point is, I learned this as another lesson in life.

This book struck several chords because it was these concepts I came to understand by listening to what my spirit was already telling me for I now know it was coming from a place where God reveals his purpose chosen for MY life. I am not afraid to listen to it now! I believe in ME and that includes all the shit I’ve been through. It is true that I have made many mistakes (some bigger than others) and that I had to understand where the choices I made came from that led to such mistakes. The negative Nancy in me. It’s okay to make mistakes as life will prompt them but what’s not okay is not taking the time to get to know myself to prevent repeats, if possible.

Having low self-esteem, society decorated beliefs, faux rules to every situation and a non-belief of self-worth were all ingredients to a recipe distasteful to me and God didn’t appreciate it very much, lol. He showed me just how so. I’ve cheated and been cheated on, I’ve been hurt and I have hurt, I’ve loved and been loved. A cycle in my life that has taught me so many things but most importantly is how not understanding forgiveness and not willing to give the opportunity to move on can make life quite miserable. Something else Ed said that resonated with me is, “the responsibility to heal broken relationships is not to be left to the one who wrinkled the relationship, but responsibility belongs to the one who is aware of the conflict.” That would-be ME. My issue shouldn’t be with those who chose to leave me for whatever their reasoning, my issue is how I allowed it to negatively affect my growth. A growth I already lacked.

Life lied to me when love didn’t love me. I was fooled into believing that my happiness depended on who could create it for me in my life, especially if I did all I could to make them happy. Silly? Stupid? Naïve? Nope, love!

It’s okay for now because God loves me and I love me too.

Yup, I searched for love and hoped-for love to find me.

Feel free to share this post or comment below. Thank you for visiting! Not sure what’s up next to post but here’s an idea, how about you suggest a topic. Is there something you want to be heard on? Everyone has their own take on experiences and how one chooses to deal or not with them.

Life Lied…

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Life lied to me when:  From a little girl, I always felt different. If I could describe the days I remembered as a child in one word it would be fear. I was a scared little girl. But, scared in a different way; I behaved the opposite. Now I know that may seem weird. It was like the things I did, I was afraid of but did anyway and ended up hurt in a way that in my new life (presently) I am just understanding how.

I started drinking alcohol at the very young age of ten years old. Alcohol easily became my coping mechanism. Then sex. Then work. Then now. Life. I lived life the best I could just like everyone else, sometimes I felt like I had to go a little harder. Like average was never enough. I don’t know who said average wasn’t good enough for me, especially when it seems like I always ended up having to settle or had to be satisfied with below average. It made me feel some fucking way. Life made me feel like a fucking joke. Going so hard for shit never mounted out to anything other than pain and sorrow; disappointment, frustration and envy.

You ever feel like your life just ain’t shit. I mean of course, you have family; children and a job, relationships with good times. I mean YOUR life. MY life just always felt like I was just floating through a maze and I did the best I could with my choices and decisions. But c’mon, am I the only in the world who felt like something just wasn’t right. I’ve come across the stories of transgenders, who speak of a feeling of difference. I’ve heard of people with certain mental defects speak of some sort of difference in their way of choice. For me, I felt like my life wasn’t shit nor was I ever good enough; but, it wasn’t supposed to feel that way.

Other people’s lives always looked like they would come out better than me, even dealing with similar situations. They’d be struggling just like me and seem to have more or something of what I wanted for me and mines. Certainly, during these stages in my life, I didn’t understand it all. I was just floating. Never feeling the security of the ground beneath my feet. Always going extra hard to strive for the best. The best for me. The best apartments, clothes, jobs, kids, bank account. The best relationships. For ME. Somehow, it got turned into the best for others. In my mind that is. I tried to be the best forever other than me. The best mom. The best daughter. The best sibling. The best student. The best girlfriend. The best employee. You get the idea, rite? I enjoyed the ride. It became the normal, just a way of life. I wanted to do most of what I did; however, it wasn’t the best of me. It was what I thought was the best I could give. Whatever the fuck that means. Anyway, moving forward, I will share the difference. I am now living in the best version of me, a better me. I’m still learning because we will always learning something each day. Why? Or How? You may wonder, well, it’s because it’s a new day that we aren’t able to predict. I didn’t know how good it feels or better it feels being ME. For ME. I am taking the time to learn about me, reflecting on the me I used to be versus now. It’s crazy similar; however, just knowing it’s about me, feels incredible.  

I’ve written various pieces describing many different stages in my life and lessons I have learned. As I continue to share, it will become evident that what I thought my life would be and what I always worked toward turned out to be nothing as I imagined. Yet, it did. And, what I’ve learned in whole is life lied to me but God didn’t.

Have you realized life lessons are powerful? care to share any of your life lessons?

Next will be about some relationship shit I have learned. Now I got stories for days but I will keep it real and brief.

Blessings,

 KTM

Time!

Time makes things happen. When time is of its essence, the power then becomes yours. If time did not exist; neither did you.

Have you ever noticed that, if it weren’t for time spent doing something, whatever that is, it’s not until then that you know or not know.

I spent all my life running toward what I believed to be the good life. Success, riches, love…Really?

I spent all my life running away from darkness, pain, defeat. It wasn’t until my moments of stillness, that I became enriched with the knowing and that of the not knowing for which I was running.

Time revealed I was running. He granted me time. To gain an understanding of my existence, belonging to be mine. Time is the gift and that of what I’ve become. By which time is the reward. Including the effort, the running, all that was hard. The reward to myself, the reward to those around me, the reward reverted back to him, that of ME.

Thank you is all I can give; at least I thought. I thought wrong. How is that possible? Because without the understanding of time, it’s difficult to understand anything else.

Why We Continue To Doubt Ourselves

This is a great post! Thought I’d share it with you guys.
Thank you to the original blogger!

Discovering Your Happiness

1. WE’RE SCARED TO STOP THE DOUBTS.

When I really started to think about my dreams and goals and what was holding me back from them, it was my fear of failure, rejection, imposter syndrome, and success. Because I didn’t really know what success looked or felt like.

And it’s understandable to be scared, but you can’t let your fear hold you back from taking action.

We all have doubts about whether we’re “good enough”. We think that one day – once we’ve achieved this or that or get to a certain milestone – that the doubt will just melt away, but it doesn’t really work that way.

We have to decide to stop doubting ourselves and decide that we are good enough and have what it takes (because you do).

“OUR DEEPEST FEAR IS NOT THAT WE ARE INADEQUATE.
OUR DEEPEST FEAR IS THAT WE ARE POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE.”

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Tip of the day! ((Reblog))

 

There are millions of people across the world who suffer from anxiety and depression. Whether it’s a constant issue or pops up at certain times in life, it can be difficult to dig yourself out of the hole. Even if you’re aware of it, dealing with anxiety and depression isn’t easy. Thankfully, there are some […]

via 5 Ways to Avoid Anxiety and Depression — simple Ula

Share Day again!

Do Not Despair Courage, bravery, boldness are substances impregnating your dense dark blood. You don’t learn them. You don’t earn them. Perseverance and patience, are learnt through pain and wounds. Fight is not about running with a sword on your… Continue Reading → The post Do not despair | Finding Inner Courage and Boldness appeared…

via Do not despair | Finding Inner Courage and Boldness —

Daily Dose of Inspiration – Willpower

This is great stuff!

Be Inspired..!!

A person can be talented, bright and educated, however, without strong willpower and self-discipline, he or she will not accomplish much.

Burning desire is more than a wish or a want or a dream. Wishes, wants and dreams typically come from us, the human individual. Burning desire is something that comes from our spirit. It is as if our Higher Self is compelling us toward something. Burning desire is what animates our purpose and our values. Not necessarily what drives us toward getting a new pair of shoes…unless that pair of shoes stands for independence, achievement or confidence.

When your purpose is animated by burning desire, it does not mean that the path becomes easy; it just means that it becomes certain. Burning desire ensures that you will continue trying, continue getting up after a failure, continue being creative and continue your commitment to see your purpose through. In that there is certainty.

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Continued from The Triumph Within Tharisse