Who is She?

I formally introduce to you:

Tharisse was a young African American female who saw these personal traits whenever she looked in the mirror: a negative nancy, low self – esteemed, caring to others, sensitive, maternal, passionate, thinks she has to always give to be liked, confused about her sexuality but didn’t realize it, loves money and old school music, she’s a go getter… She always seeks to please her mother Jackie and just wants Jackie to be proud of her. Tharisse feels like Jackie puts her husband and other kids before her (which makes her sad), she is willing to do anything for Jackie despite how Jackie treats her because deep down she loves her mother but hates who her mother has become since marrying Cliff, Tharisse hates her stepfather and his personality, she hates how he treats Jackie. Tharisse loves her younger siblings and hopes to develop close relationshiops with them.

Tharisse, in her adult stages of life began to feel differently about some things, her perception of life made a slight adjustment and this is where it led her:

As you grow as a person, you begin to wonder, what is your purpose? Well, I had a child and I thought that she was the only thing my life was about to be, the only thing that mattered considering the fact that during my entire life before her was nothing aside from being or more like not being. She came into my life at a time when typically adulthood was something you look forward to, can’t wait to be grown up so you can do what ever you want to and not have to answer to your parents or ask their permission to do as you please. I always felt alone in my family, they never understood me, they weren’t interested in me, a mother I was born to didn’t nurture me in a positive way, or in any way. I decided to do the exact opposite when I became a parent. My daughter was not going to have a reason to feel alone. I took interest in who she was to become, I was going to be involved in what interested her. I was so alone inside that it actually brought me joy to know that there was another living , breathing, human being on this earth that was mine and so she became the consumption of my mind, my “purpose”.
Was it fair to me that everything in my life was centered around her? Was it fair that at the time when my life was to begin, she made her debut into my world? So now I am left wondering, what happens to me when she, my everything, has entered the period in her life when she now gets to decide what her purpose is and doesn’t have to answer to me, her parent, she doesn’t have to have my permission to do as she pleases.
Here I am alone again, another start to a new life without that someone to be the center of my world. I am now forced to become my own center, left alone to realize that you cannot make another living, breathing, human being your “purpose”, because that person will eventually grow and stray to find their own way.
I had an obsession with parenting and now I must identify with my reality, which is unknown to me.

She then realized there was something deeper and far more dangerous going on which led to this:

Living with Bipolar Disorder and raising a child…Have we ever thought what effects it can have on that child?

I was diagnosed with Bipolar when my daughter was about ten years old, it wasn’t until I tried to be in a relationship with someone I thought yet again was my happily ever after. He was a great guy but he had no ambition, no get up and go and that was not what I was made of at all. I was a go getter, I had periods of working around the clock, times when I felt the world was just this place with no rules, money meant nothing to me and as a result there were times when I didn’t work at all, couldn’t get out of bed, major mood swings and other depressive behavior. I guess you never really know a person until you know them.

I spent about four years in this relationship and became a person I no longer recognized. My daughter didn’t particularly take a liking to this man but that didn’t stop me from making an attempt to include my own satisfying desires while being a single parent. She never had a dad in her life giving the fact she had lost him before she ever knew him and I never tried to replace him with a second hand father. Maybe I should have.

My daughter was okay as far as I could tell, she was intelligent, social, as responsible as a young kid could be and she had even acquired that drive her mom had possessed. I was a proud parent for sure, always getting praise from people on how well mannered my child was and how I was doing such a great job raising her and to keep up the good work. Okay, but was I really doing that great of a job.

I thought that all we were going through was normal stuff and everything was as they should be, but when I did notice how much my daughter was absorbing from me, it frightened me. She began to show signs of anxiety, biting her nails, signs of procrastination, becoming argumentative, very expressive of her opinions, all characteristics I too display without regard.

My highs and lows were beginning to affect this child and I mistakenly ignored it as normalcy. We had an extremely close relationship developing and so I figured as long as we remained openly communicative, she would tell me verbally if I were doing something wrong or if she was being hurt in any way. How did I expect this child of mine to know the difference if I sure didn’t?

I ultimately resulted in putting an end to the relationship with that guy thinking that in addition to him not being all “I” needed him to be, it wasn’t setting a good example of a healthy relationship for my daughter. I began to seek love from what I believed would be a better kind of love. I then developed a relationship with a female, not knowing if I was lesbian, bisexual or what. She was a lesbian, younger and less experienced with relationships as I was but she and I hit it off pretty quickly. We could talk forever, she was a breath of fresh air, at least I thought so. Now here I was being very careful of who I brought into my baby girl’s life and wanting to lead by example in her life and here it was her mom had a girlfriend and still wasn’t completely out of dealings with my ex. She must be confused at this point, not that anything is wrong with same sex relationships, its just me ping ponging back and forth between the two may have came off a bit strange, but it became our normal. I asked her if she had a problem with it and of course she did, she did not like the idea of having this woman in the house and sleeping in the same bed as her mother. I clearly was confused as well, knowing that this isn’t how I wanted to be seen by my daughter, but when your mind is unhealthy, you don’t always see things clearly.

Bipolar has affected my daughter in ways that are still revealing themselves and it’s not because she was the one with the illness.

Having a parent diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder can have an affect on the behaviors, feelings and views of a child or children involved.  Let’s get educated folks!

Thank you for visiting and continuing to learn more about Tharisse’s truth…

Feedback by LIKEs, SHAREs & COMMENTs are highly encouraged and much appreciated 🙂

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