Deep In My Dark Thoughts

Blog ImageTharisse decided to start a personal journal. She wanted to capture her thoughts and feelings of the most challenging time in her life, not knowing that it was just the beginning. My book will include several of her journal entries which will allow you a much more intimate sense of Tharisse’s perception of life. You will also notice how her feelings toward certain people, situations and circumstances evolve as an enlightenment in her heart and mind takes place.

You will learn how Tharisse’s health takes a sudden dive toward death and that she secretly decides to convert those journal entries into a fictionalized version of her life’s story and submit it to a producer. Tharisse is a very driven individual, she had to give it one final shot, the last hurrah for the sake of Destiny.

This story will explore the true meaning of its title, “The Triumph Within Tharisse.”

Here are a couple of those entries left undated for identity purposes:

#1  In The Mirror

They say your body is your temple and it should be treated as such. Well I didn’t think much of my body, in fact I hated it. I always wondered how most of the females in my family had nice bodily figures, smooth skin both dark and light and just an overall feminine appearance. I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw from head to toe, at times I remember avoiding mirrors entirely. I know you are suppose to love yourself and the body God had given to you but I just didn’t. I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to have a nice ass and wear jeans that hugged it perfectly. I wanted smooth skin. Shit! I wanted to feel sexy! Being in such a negative state of mind affects how you view yourself, this is true. I hated my acne, my hair, my body had no curves, I never felt sexy, ever! I often would avoid going places with my female cousins because they were all pretty and shit and it made me feel like the ugly duckling. I think I have always had this issue because even in my younger days hanging in the hood with my crew, I kind of felt like the ugly duckling of the bunch and maybe that’s why sex became an outlet for those hidden feelings and thoughts of myself. I didn’t appreciate my body so I was easily giving it away to anyone who would have at it. I should have treated my body like a temple and respected it and took care of it. When my lovers attracted to me, it always puzzled me at first. I wondered what they saw when they looked at me, they would tell me I was sexy and pretty, all the things I never saw in myself but I didn‘t believe a word. It made me think that they were just as fucked up in the head as I was, to even see me that way. But as I currently speak my truth, I had to learn to love myself and I’m still working on that, I look in the mirror now and I’m not that bad…

Raising a daughter, it was important to me that she see herself in a positive light. She is beautiful in the eyes of others but she had to believe it within herself. I would always put her in front of the mirror, and encourage her to know she was good enough. Of course beauty is only skin deep and it was just as important for Destiny to know how smart she was and deserving of greatness. As she grew older she would become this generous, non judgmental individual as well. She would learn to respect herself and that of her body, she would learn to respect other people’s property and feelings, she would treat others as she would want to be treated. All lessons reiterated to her over and over during her childhood through her young adult years. Let’s admit that while we teach our children all the things we feel they should know, sometimes we find ourselves on repeat because they may not get it the first time around or may not understand the significance behind these valuable lessons.

We are all a work in progress, I say this all the time to remind myself that I don’t have to isolate myself from those whom I believe are beautiful or sexy or whatever, I can be amongst anyone and be comfortable in my own skin knowing that I was made to be me and I am good enough.

This was a big part of the internal struggle, feeling some type of way about myself but trying so hard to prevent my Destiny from developing such feelings about herself. It was like living a double life. I cried a lot wishing I didn’t feel this way about myself and wishing I could just be the way I saw others I admired. How mentally unhealthy is that?
Did my daughter see rite through my pseudo? My daughter learned the real me, I didn’t pretend to think of myself other than what I truly did but she understands that I was her leader and so hiding those feelings as much as possible was for her own good. I just wish it was that simple because the harder I fought being held captive in such a negative world, the more the struggled leaked.

Destiny became witness to the turmoil taking place within me. She loved me and never gave up on me.

All roads lead to my Destiny…

#2    The Demon in Me

I have been invaded by a Demon, an uninvited guest that announced its presence quite some time ago. Although I have managed to somehow learn to share myself with it, I still never understood why it chose my territory to invade. Apparently this demon doesn’t seem to discriminate, when its deciding where to create its chaos, it doesn’t matter who you are or what you are about, it plays this crazy game of roulette and fires its multiple shots randomly and where they land is who gets wounded. I was hit a few times not even knowing I had to be on the look out for such evil.

The demon made its way in me and instead of occupying space in my body solitarily, it decides to have parties whenever it chooses to and invites other unwelcome guests to attend and they may even stay for a while. They have themselves a good ole time in me. I would have never thought I’d be considered the company for this type of crowd but when you are dealing with bullies of this nature, one never knows why they were chosen.

I hate my demon and all of its friends, not only because I didn’t invite them in the first place but because I had no choice in allowing them to become a part of me. The demon itself makes me feel some type of way, it makes me think some type of way, sometimes I have a hard time knowing who I truly am because its been a part of me for so long. It has its own way of influencing you one way or the other. I try all the time not to weaken and look for ways to evict the demon from my dwelling, nothing has worked, this demon is a stubborn son of a bitch and refuses to leave my property. I am constantly seeking counsel to join the battle grounds against it but there hasn’t been anything intelligent enough, aggressive enough, brave enough to join forces with me. I do however know of a powerful force that can blow this demon along with its occasional party hoppers, right out of water but I guess in some way the force is with me and is doing what it can because I have been able to show the demon that I am not the one to be fucked with, “you will not defeat me no matter how big your parties are, no matter how often you and your guests try to make your existence known, I shall not surrender to you”. My demon is very loyal and makes it clear to me all the time that regardless of how much I turn my back on it or tell it that it’s not welcomed, it’s here for the long haul.

Despite its intention, I managed to contain the invasion, I really didn’t know how my circle of family and friends would react to me letting them in on what was taking place within me. Would they think of me as some type of “weirdo” or would they be understanding and non judgmental and join the battle against my demon and its circle of family and friends, oh yes you see my demon functions almost like you and I, the demon reproduces, which means there are little demons running about invading people too, it has cousins and in laws and shit that go around seeking out the next area to just start popping off randomly, It is a crazy family and group to be dealing with but as I said, “they don’t discriminate” and they get a fuckin insane sense of enjoyment playing the twisted game of roulette. I had to find a way to go on with life with my demon and its crew, that likes coming along for the ride.

Sometimes I try to talk rationally with my demon and simply ask them to leave, telling it that I didn’t appreciate being taking advantage of and being the selfless person I am, I also ask on behalf of others that may have gotten caught in the crossfire, “demon, why do you do this?” , “do you realize how much havoc you wreak on innocent lives?”

Demons are disguised, they come in all forms of life and circumstance. They are hidden within everything that serves us in this world. They lay dormant within people, money even love and relationships can lead you to the very place and time where the next random hit will be. Sometimes demons are invited but most of time they aren’t, I certainly didn’t invite mine or did I without intention? I often ask myself that question but it’s normal to question what you don’t understand all while at the same time you are aware of what it is you are dealing with and the fact that it’s a random shooting that has taken place. I am aware that I wasn’t targeted but it frustrates the hell out of me not knowing the “WHY”… I didn’t die upon invasion , at least not in the flesh but being invaded by this demon murdered the part of my soul where it resides. It is locked there, it is behind that hidden door that leads to that dark place, it is where the demon held me captive for a while until I was able to break free and lock it away, hoping it will never get out. It is behind that door where all the action takes place when demon decides to invited others in. The demon doesn’t party as often as it once did but I can tell when it is holding meetings with those within its circle of family and friends, strategizing against me.
This is my truth and I know there are others who feel as those they’ve been invading by a demon…My message to you is, “Don’t let the demon win, fight that muthafucker with all your might, it and its family are cruel, yet you cannot let them defeat you.”

I consider myself some what on the intelligent side, I am thinking of going about shaking up things a bit where that hidden dark place lies within. I wonder what will happen if I open the door and let some natural light in that bitch and expose the demon, showing it that I am no longer afraid of it. The demon did always seem to prefer being in the dark and that’s why I think it drags me there, it could also be that it wants to be known and recognized and introduced to my circle of friends and family. Wow! There goes another “contradiction in life”, I will ponder on this thought and see what happens. This is surely to be prayed upon.

Will Tharisse continue to speak her truth and once and for all let the light shine on her demons?
What part does her Destiny play in all of it?

More to this journey of self discovery and the exposure of the Tharisse’s TRUTH is yet to come…Be sure to follow and SHARE!  Comments welcomed…Thanx for visiting!!!!!





Who is She?

I formally introduce to you:

Tharisse was a young African American female who saw these personal traits whenever she looked in the mirror: a negative nancy, low self – esteemed, caring to others, sensitive, maternal, passionate, thinks she has to always give to be liked, confused about her sexuality but didn’t realize it, loves money and old school music, she’s a go getter… She always seeks to please her mother Jackie and just wants Jackie to be proud of her. Tharisse feels like Jackie puts her husband and other kids before her (which makes her sad), she is willing to do anything for Jackie despite how Jackie treats her because deep down she loves her mother but hates who her mother has become since marrying Cliff, Tharisse hates her stepfather and his personality, she hates how he treats Jackie. Tharisse loves her younger siblings and hopes to develop close relationshiops with them.

Tharisse, in her adult stages of life began to feel differently about some things, her perception of life made a slight adjustment and this is where it led her:

As you grow as a person, you begin to wonder, what is your purpose? Well, I had a child and I thought that she was the only thing my life was about to be, the only thing that mattered considering the fact that during my entire life before her was nothing aside from being or more like not being. She came into my life at a time when typically adulthood was something you look forward to, can’t wait to be grown up so you can do what ever you want to and not have to answer to your parents or ask their permission to do as you please. I always felt alone in my family, they never understood me, they weren’t interested in me, a mother I was born to didn’t nurture me in a positive way, or in any way. I decided to do the exact opposite when I became a parent. My daughter was not going to have a reason to feel alone. I took interest in who she was to become, I was going to be involved in what interested her. I was so alone inside that it actually brought me joy to know that there was another living , breathing, human being on this earth that was mine and so she became the consumption of my mind, my “purpose”.
Was it fair to me that everything in my life was centered around her? Was it fair that at the time when my life was to begin, she made her debut into my world? So now I am left wondering, what happens to me when she, my everything, has entered the period in her life when she now gets to decide what her purpose is and doesn’t have to answer to me, her parent, she doesn’t have to have my permission to do as she pleases.
Here I am alone again, another start to a new life without that someone to be the center of my world. I am now forced to become my own center, left alone to realize that you cannot make another living, breathing, human being your “purpose”, because that person will eventually grow and stray to find their own way.
I had an obsession with parenting and now I must identify with my reality, which is unknown to me.

She then realized there was something deeper and far more dangerous going on which led to this:

Living with Bipolar Disorder and raising a child…Have we ever thought what effects it can have on that child?

I was diagnosed with Bipolar when my daughter was about ten years old, it wasn’t until I tried to be in a relationship with someone I thought yet again was my happily ever after. He was a great guy but he had no ambition, no get up and go and that was not what I was made of at all. I was a go getter, I had periods of working around the clock, times when I felt the world was just this place with no rules, money meant nothing to me and as a result there were times when I didn’t work at all, couldn’t get out of bed, major mood swings and other depressive behavior. I guess you never really know a person until you know them.

I spent about four years in this relationship and became a person I no longer recognized. My daughter didn’t particularly take a liking to this man but that didn’t stop me from making an attempt to include my own satisfying desires while being a single parent. She never had a dad in her life giving the fact she had lost him before she ever knew him and I never tried to replace him with a second hand father. Maybe I should have.

My daughter was okay as far as I could tell, she was intelligent, social, as responsible as a young kid could be and she had even acquired that drive her mom had possessed. I was a proud parent for sure, always getting praise from people on how well mannered my child was and how I was doing such a great job raising her and to keep up the good work. Okay, but was I really doing that great of a job.

I thought that all we were going through was normal stuff and everything was as they should be, but when I did notice how much my daughter was absorbing from me, it frightened me. She began to show signs of anxiety, biting her nails, signs of procrastination, becoming argumentative, very expressive of her opinions, all characteristics I too display without regard.

My highs and lows were beginning to affect this child and I mistakenly ignored it as normalcy. We had an extremely close relationship developing and so I figured as long as we remained openly communicative, she would tell me verbally if I were doing something wrong or if she was being hurt in any way. How did I expect this child of mine to know the difference if I sure didn’t?

I ultimately resulted in putting an end to the relationship with that guy thinking that in addition to him not being all “I” needed him to be, it wasn’t setting a good example of a healthy relationship for my daughter. I began to seek love from what I believed would be a better kind of love. I then developed a relationship with a female, not knowing if I was lesbian, bisexual or what. She was a lesbian, younger and less experienced with relationships as I was but she and I hit it off pretty quickly. We could talk forever, she was a breath of fresh air, at least I thought so. Now here I was being very careful of who I brought into my baby girl’s life and wanting to lead by example in her life and here it was her mom had a girlfriend and still wasn’t completely out of dealings with my ex. She must be confused at this point, not that anything is wrong with same sex relationships, its just me ping ponging back and forth between the two may have came off a bit strange, but it became our normal. I asked her if she had a problem with it and of course she did, she did not like the idea of having this woman in the house and sleeping in the same bed as her mother. I clearly was confused as well, knowing that this isn’t how I wanted to be seen by my daughter, but when your mind is unhealthy, you don’t always see things clearly.

Bipolar has affected my daughter in ways that are still revealing themselves and it’s not because she was the one with the illness.

Having a parent diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder can have an affect on the behaviors, feelings and views of a child or children involved.  Let’s get educated folks!

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The Contradictions of Life by The Triumph Within Tharisse (BLW Contributor)

This is one of my previous postings from “The Triumph Within Tharisse”that was featured here…Please follow my new site: “Tharisse” for a continuance of writings from me…Thanks!

Be Like Water

There are no special instructions on how to cope with the extremes of life but there are certain remedies that can lessen the mass affects.

I have found that prayer is the #1 key to my life. I am not about to preach the word however I am a witness to its glory. Life as a whole is hard, its just that simple but if we learn to utilize some hardcore combat, it can be quite enjoyable too.

Selflessness for starters can take you a long way. The idea of treating others the way you would want to be treated is an important aspect but it tends to get lost within our typical behavior. If you can consider helping another individual, no matter how direct or indirect it may be, without regard to reciprocation, I can assure you, that help will find its way back around in some shape or…

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Continued from The Triumph Within Tharisse