Relationships – What happened to forever?
Surely, we know that there are many types of relationships to be had. Family, work, INTIMATE, etc., all which come with their own expectations and faux rules. Easy peasy, rite? Do good, get good. What if the shit isn’t that simple?
So, here’s my thing with relationships and how they lied when:
The many types of intimate relationships from which I have learned consisted of heterosexual, bi-sexual, lesbian, bosses, OPP (other people’s property), shared relationships (business propositions) and all the shit that went along with them. Not all at once! That would be insane. Let me be clear, the OPP relationship was a teen romance (nightmare) but, nonetheless, has taught me a lot, only worth the mention. I learned early in life not to fuck with anybody that already had somebody.
Now the shit that came along with all theses different types of relationships that I write about were issues of infidelity, damaged self-esteem, betrayal of trust, physical abuse (in some cases sexual abuse) lack of support and the list can go on forever. Sound familiar? Gosh, I hope not. Some of those issues were ignited by me, I admit I was the culprit. And naturally, some of those issues were of no fault of my own; that was my claim. However, I still was the culprit. You must understand that in any given situation approachable, I had to consider MY part in it.
Although these days I’ve become known as a writer, I will make this as brief as possible. (skipping most of the glory details unless you request one on one talk time with me) Questions are certainly welcomed. This is my perspective…
Coming from a space in life I once was, I loved hard and was always searching. Since my teen years, I always found myself in a relationship and had the notion of never being alone. Truth learned was that until I was completely okay with ME, I realized I was alone while in these relationships. I point this out partially because now at age 41-years old, I am currently on my own; alone with me, myself and I.
Until recently, I was unclear as to what a healthy relationship consisted of so long as I had a boo, still lonely as hell with them. I still managed to have loved each one of them, including the ones who hurt me to my core (all of them).
In my learnings of myself, no relationship was as fulfilling as the one with myself and if this were a sermon, my relationship with God is amazing. I have both now and my life is great but it took lots of time and effort to get to this point. It wouldn’t be fair to me if I pretended that any of this was easy. It has been a difficult process. Ironically, for me, all the issues I mentioned above had to be revisited in the buildings of my relationship with God and MYSELF.
In short, I have been beat up by someone I once loved, I have been belittled, disrespected, embarrassed by being date-raped by someone I once loved. I realize this may sound horrible but, at the time, amid these relationships, it wasn’t so much horrible as it was normal. The normal rocky road of relationships. I mean, yes, there were moments I felt horrible; however, seemingly recovered rather quickly. I forgave a lot without pause. Desperation took me there. The problem came to surface when I felt like I was giving my all, despite the issues, and didn’t feel as though I had all of my mate. It was like, I had to always be the one to take responsibility for any wrong doing I may have done, but, when it came to the one hurting me, they always found some justification for it. I accepted it. Well guess what Kash? If a person gave you all of them, what are they left with for themselves? I thought the idea of giving all or nothing or getting all or nothing made for a great relationship. Now maybe, if we were to start talking marriage and the exchanging of vows, the details could change a bit.
I wanna focus a little on FOREGIVENESS. I recently finished reading a book that took some time to get through as I am not an avid reader. But, this book, Supernatural Relationships ~ How to Get Closer to the People You Care For by Ed Gungor, teaches the Godly way of dealing with all kinds of relationships. According to Ed, “forgiveness protects our lives from Satan’s strategy by violently opposing the evil that tries to enter after an offense comes.” Basically, by forgiving, I released to the negativity I was holding on to. (toward them and myself) I had to learn after years of dwelling on all the situations that had wronged me and the same for all things for which I wronged, it was time to forgive. Forgive others even if they did not ask to be forgiven. I had to forgive MYSELF as God already done, even if I did not know it. Point is, I learned this as another lesson in life.
This book struck several chords because it was these concepts I came to understand by listening to what my spirit was already telling me for I now know it was coming from a place where God reveals his purpose chosen for MY life. I am not afraid to listen to it now! I believe in ME and that includes all the shit I’ve been through. It is true that I have made many mistakes (some bigger than others) and that I had to understand where the choices I made came from that led to such mistakes. The negative Nancy in me. It’s okay to make mistakes as life will prompt them but what’s not okay is not taking the time to get to know myself to prevent repeats, if possible.
Having low self-esteem, society decorated beliefs, faux rules to every situation and a non-belief of self-worth were all ingredients to a recipe distasteful to me and God didn’t appreciate it very much, lol. He showed me just how so. I’ve cheated and been cheated on, I’ve been hurt and I have hurt, I’ve loved and been loved. A cycle in my life that has taught me so many things but most importantly is how not understanding forgiveness and not willing to give the opportunity to move on can make life quite miserable. Something else Ed said that resonated with me is, “the responsibility to heal broken relationships is not to be left to the one who wrinkled the relationship, but responsibility belongs to the one who is aware of the conflict.” That would-be ME. My issue shouldn’t be with those who chose to leave me for whatever their reasoning, my issue is how I allowed it to negatively affect my growth. A growth I already lacked.
Life lied to me when love didn’t love me. I was fooled into believing that my happiness depended on who could create it for me in my life, especially if I did all I could to make them happy. Silly? Stupid? Naïve? Nope, love!
It’s okay for now because God loves me and I love me too.
Yup, I searched for love and hoped-for love to find me.
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