Tag Archives: depression

Self-Awareness

Hey guys, this is how the start of my new happily ever after began.

There could be a million different reasons as to why a person can want to live a different lifestyle from their own. Perhaps, the lifestyle they have become accustomed to no longer fulfills them or maybe the change was forced upon them. It doesn’t really matter what the reasoning is; the choice is yours.

My personal experience has led me to the practicing of self-awareness.

By definition self-awareness is the conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives, and desires.  I found this great article that explains the process in full details. Hope you find it helpful.  Self-Awareness has been a huge key to the transformation of my life.

As most of you have learned through some of my previous posts, I have been challenged with both mental & physical Illness, including losing my ability to walk. Depression has been a big struggle for me over the years. Medication therapy, psychotherapy and support groups are most effective when you commit to them. I never did. Some will say I brought the struggles on myself because help was available. Here was my problem: I didn’t even feel worth the effort. It didn’t matter if help was or wasn’t available; I never committed. I suffered with low self-esteem, lack of confidence and an overall negative outlook on life. I did not feel I was worth the effort. My relationships paid the price. How?  I was dependent upon others to provide me with self-worth. Sounds crazy rite? Well it was easy. I looked for love, happiness and joy from others, such as my daughter. I felt I was n’t capable of creating these emotions or experience them without the need of others. The funniest thing about it is that although the people closest to me tried to make me happy, it was never enough for me. I couldn’t seem to reach a sense of satisfaction. I was so hungry for love and happiness that it didn’t dawn on me until more recently that the missing piece was self-love. I didn’t love myself and that is a steep hole to fill. My daughter has been the only one to love me unconditionally and I use “unconditionally” lightly. She had no problem with snapping me back to earth whenever I acted out in her presence. She would not allow me to embarrass either one of us, especially her. ☺ I love my daughter so much.

My ex girlfriend came damn close to filling me with love. Despite all the chaos I took her through, she still chose to love me. Now to make a long story short, she and I are no longer together. There were lots of lost trust, betrayal  and lies paired with a bit of fear that led to the ending of our happily ever after. Here is the point and not to dwell too much on the past but maybe if I had loved myself enough I may not have inflicted so much of that chaos on any of our lives.

Self-love is important. How else can you fully love another without loving yourself?

 

My Life with Neuropathy

Hey guys, I know it has been forever since my last post but I promise it was all worth it. I needed to take some time to focus in on ME. I was feeling a little misguided and it caused me to panic. I have a high level of anxiety that I am working out now.

Anyhow, I decided to share what my life has been like living with Peripheral Neuropathy and how my dreams are really coming true. Seriously!

Here is:

Finding My Purpose

Yesterday, I remember wanting to seek out a reason why I was so hesitant to video stream a message of hope. Today, I’ve learned that I am still a work in progress and until I build that confidence, I can still share with you.

As I am in self-reflection mode, getting to know the real me; I think I love myself. I love ME! This may sound silly but I don’t recall a single time I may have felt that way about myself. Maybe some of you know just what I’m talking about. I used to did shit for people all the time. I simply did it just because. I helped anyone in any way I could because it took the focus off of myself. I really loved helping and although help was available to me as well; I couldn’t see it.

Life is not about what you want it to be; it’s about what you make it to be.

I decided to share my story because I hope to help someone who may need to hear it. Someone who needs to know that they are truly not alone. There are all types of support available if you just open your heart and your mind to it. Simple right? Hell no, it wasn’t; my life has been brutal. There were challenges I never would have wished on anyone. So I am here today to share with you how I found my purpose.

Here and you can comment or ask questions, offer suggestions or share an experience you would like to hear a different point of view from me. Someone who has been there and done that with a lot of different topics. (Not ALL topics but MANY)

I started a support group but we more than just an offering of support; it is a place where we share a terrible commonality and we share our experiences living in chronic pain provide different perspectives of a subject. My goal was to create a virtual meeting place where we could discuss ourselves and it then becomes a positive distraction. It allows us to vent and listen to others. In fact, most of the time during our one hour meets, we aren’t focused on our pain. Very importantly, we respect our individual views and interpretations.

It feels great to be meeting so many beautiful people who just need a little extra support.

So here’s a question. We love others right? Some unconditionally, but how many of us actually love ourselves. How many of you ever took the time to get to know yourselves as an adult. I think its safe to say that your not the same at age 27 that you were when you were 13. Most anyways. 🙂 It’s a fascinating experience when you take some time to reflect on your likes and dislikes, your morale, your beliefs. As we go through life we learn new things damn near everyday. We grow.

I can’t wait to share the process of finding my purpose. This will include my experiences with Chronic Pain/Illness (includes depression), my 20+ jobs, love & relationships, family, self-image and much more. So if you are in a place in life that you are not satisfied with, I will share how I completely turned my life into what I wanted it to be. Join me next time as I share some serious lessons learned and how they relate to who I am today.

Blessings to you all!  Remember to keep loving yourselves.

Still awake at 3am

Hey guys, I know it’s been a while but here I am. How’s everyone doing?

It’s 3am and I am awake. (Insomnia sucks!)

Staring at the ceiling wondering what my life would be like without the sicknesses, without pain, without the gloom of loneliness. So I decided to write.

Ever wonder what your life would like if you didn’t have that dark cloud hovering over you?

Well let me see, although it’s hard to imagine my life any different; I would like to think it would free. I would be free. Free to dream, free to explore, free to love and certainly  free to work. I felt like I was held captive by pain.

When you are challenged to live in constant pain, your response is to try and fight back. What does that little voice inside you say? Does it try and convince you that you can handle it? Does it often remind you that you’re human and it’s ok to feel and that it will pass soon?

But what if it doesn’t. You must find a way to alleviate it, rite? You’ve tried all sorts of remedies. Time to get your mind in the game and pray your physical being falls in line.

I am learning to refocus my energy away from the things/thoughts that bring me negative feelings. I want to share my experience with those that are at the end of their ropes. I have created a MeetUp group for people living with chronic pain. I chose to dedicate it to persons with symptoms of nerve damage but all pain relief seekers are welcomed. We will share ideas and discover effective ways of coping.

Providing helpful support, encouraging others and allowing my journey to set an example of hope brings me great joy. It’s what I have found to be a positive shift in energy.

There’s no doubt we all will have bad days but you deserve some good ones too.

Join in on a Skype meeting usually held on Saturdays at 5pm Est and you may discover a positive distraction that works well for you. Maybe you’d like to share something that can be helpful to another. Either way, we’d love to have you.

It’s free to join the group. Sign up here: MeetUp .

Contradictions! Annoying?

Hey guys, hope all is well!

Today I am sharing some of life’s contradictions I have found to be annoying and confusing. As I have decided to share personal experiences with you all, these are my personal opinions. I am in no way judging anyone or anyone’s way of thinking. We are all works in progress, myself included, and so if you find contradiction in anything I post then that is my intended point. Here we go:

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#1  There are so many messages circulating the world about not giving up. “Never give up on your dreams.” “Keep Pushing.”  Well what about the sayings of, “Know when to throw the towel in.” “Enough is Enough.” Oh, and my favorite “Knowing when to walk away is wisdom. Being able to is Courage.”  Now I’m not sure about anyone else but this confusing the hell out of me. As I am trying my damnedest to hold on and keep fighting the good fight. I am trying to pursue a journey of success that I never thought was possible. But because of those sayings of, “If you could Imagine it, You could Achieve it.” “Never give up Dreaming.”  I feel as though I am on a hamster wheel. Chasing my own tail. I have prayed on it and truly believe I am supposed to be doing a good service to others by sharing my personal experiences of beating the odds and overcoming some difficult life challenges. To help others who may be trapped in their darkness. I must admit, this shit is exhausting. I am drained and it doesn’t seem as if anyone care what I must say, let alone is inspired in anyway. So, my question is, do I throw the towel in? It wouldn’t necessarily be due to giving up but more so saving myself from destruction. I am wearing myself out trying to be a voice for those of unheard voices. Are you depressed, newly disabled or just feel like no one sees you, hear you? I don’t think I am the only one who fits the bill but I could always be wrong. I shouldn’t give up just because it seems as if nothing is happening, rite? I never know who is watching and maybe I am here for a reason not yet revealed to me as I thought it was.

#2   Next we have “Never say Never.” Ummmm, if I’m not mistaken, this refers to anything being possible. To never say what you won’t do or won’t say because you may someday find yourself doing it or saying it, rite? Sooooo, if I am never to give up then how in the heck am I supposed to know when to walk away. This is a similar confusion as mentioned in #1. Help me out folks, let’s talk about it. Now don’t get it twisted, I am a believer of all these especially never say never. Example: I NEVER thought I would have written a book and people have actually read it and thought it was pretty damn great. Whoa! Me? Really? YES me, I wrote a fuckin book. A story of both weakness and strength! The Triumph In Me.

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#3   This is recap of a previous post I did on life’s contradictions. Maybe you’d agree or maybe you won’t. It’s okay; that’s what makes us different, rite?

There are no special instructions on how to cope with the extremes of life but there are certain remedies that can lessen the mass affects.

I have found that prayer is the #1 key to my life. I am not about to preach the word however I am a witness to its glory. Life is hard, it’s just that simple but if we learn to utilize some hardcore combat, it can be quite enjoyable too.

Selflessness for starters can take you a long way. The idea of treating others the way you would want to be treated is an important aspect but it tends to get lost within our typical behavior. If you can consider helping another individual, no matter how direct or indirect it may be, without regard to reciprocation, I can assure you, that help will find its way back around in some shape or form. Karma you may call it, that saying of “what goes around comes back around”, yes, I believe in that saying however its plenty of old wise tales that go hand in hand for instance, “you reap what you sow” or how about “every dog has its day”, so keep these old wise tales in mind when making decisions in life.

Selfishness is that behavior that can make or break you in a sense, it is a very fine line not to cross, so be careful. Remember that “God only helps those who help themselves,” they say, but that’s a fine line because he is so merciful that he will be of rescue despite of, however you must know that you have to look out for yourself first before you can expect the next person to follow suit. If you can learn that loving yourself is as worthy as loving another including your children, then life’s perception will be that much more clear to see. Yes, I said love yourself even before your children because a parent that does not love themselves will impact the lives of their children in ways that aren’t always positive and although these impacts are not intentional will not make them nonexistent. Same case for your partner in life be it a spouse or just a significant other, ask yourself “how can you possibly expect to have a healthy relationship when you are not even healthy enough to love yourself?”
Today, we see all kinds of contradictions in our entertainment, politics and education. I am not in the best position to speak on all the details of such, I will leave that to all the other blogs out there that somehow specialize in those areas. I will say though we are blinded by this stuff and easily to forget how our own minds and the resulted behavior of which we live day to day becomes insulting, demeaning and subliminally destructive. We destruct the hope and possibilities of sustaining healthy, fulfilling, enjoyable lives.

Now there may be many to disagree or feel as though without an extended education or have earned a mastering degree, who the hell am I to speak to such manners. Well I am me, and I am living a life in this world we all were born into and so I have earned a degree in “LIFE” and these are my personal opinions and my voice in which I choose not to leave unheard any longer.  I am finally taking ownership and responsibility of myself and who I once was and now have become, we all are a work in progress and must recognize that and learn to appreciate it as well.

Your voice, rightfully given to you. It is the tool in life of which you should want to learn its value if you haven’t already. Respect yourself and others no matter what because once respect is lost anything goes from that point. Just think a minute how you treat those you have no respect for, how you speak to them, how you view them, how they lost their creditability with you. Now imagine you not having respect for yourself and the behaviors others may inflict on you. Not so pretty rite?

As I share my story with you, there will be moments when you will say that I’ve contradicted myself during various times in my life and that my parenting may even seem contradicting as well, but hey that’s the way of the world, life is full of contradictions, so before you pass judgment on me, I suggest you clean your mirror off most importantly and then take a glimpse in it.

As life taught me its lessons and as I learned what faith was, I passed it along to my only born child and as you follow my story, our story, it will become apparent that this bond between mother and child was created in such a way that it is not easily understood by many. God created us and our story before we fleshly existed and so it has come to me that who am I to be “selfish” and not share the power of his glory. This is my “selfless” duty.

When my destiny became visible to me, I always thought my daughter was my reason for existing until I learned and grew as a person. Now I know she is just part of me. Not all of me. I will share my experiences, the lessons taught to me and the impact of such. It is my hopes you find this story not only inspiring but also necessary. It will depict how even when faced with the most challenging obstacles, we must fight like hell and continue. We all have our stories of our lives and it is these stories that make the world what it is…So if we can be mindful of what and how we perceive life to be and follow through with positive mannerism, maybe, just maybe things can be different.williamarthurward110017

If you are one who thinks no one cares or is interested in anything you have to say, I do!

Feel free to leave your comments below. If its worth you sharing then by all means pass it along on your social media. Until we meet again guys! Thank you for visiting!

Another Day Still Fighting

Hey guys!  Today is another one of those days on the battlefield, the battlefield of LIFE.

It’s no secret that I have decided to share the intimate details of my journey. I have admitted to struggling with the stability of my mental health as well as the decline in my physical abilities due to Peripheral Neuropathy otherwise known as nerve damage.

As I have been trying to take positive approaches towards bettering my life and gaining a confidence in the changes taking place, it has been extremely difficult fighting against the evils of giving up. I wish there were an easy way to transform oneself but the reality is there isn’t. My reality may be familiar or similar to many others and I try to connect with people to communicate helpful conversation. A conversation of hope but it doesn’t seem to be working.

So I shall continue to write. I will write what my heart chooses to say.

Tonight I am hurting. I am frustrated by the fact that my neuropathy is progressing faster than my mental can process it. I try to live by my message of optimism and never to give up but I am human. I am weakening. I ask God for the strength and endurance to get through my storms. I will write in hopes of relief. My words may or may not make much sense at times. The shitty thing about it all is that life at times doesn’t make much sense. Is there anyone out there who feel the same? Is there anyone out there who falls into the pit of darkness? I find myself begging for just a flicker of light in my darkness. I know it gets better but I just wish my better moments were more consistent. Is it okay to just sit in sorrow sometimes? The fight gets exhausting. People tell me all the time to keep fighting but sometimes I just rather not. I guess this is normal. What does that even mean? Normal? There is nothing normal about hating yourself one minute and trying to not the next. Oh yea, could that be the BiPolar in me? Maybe.

My next post will most likely be different than this one. Or not!

If you feel like saying something, please do. You MATTER!

 

Sharing my TRIUMPH

Hey guys, I have decided to share this piece which was written just a short time ago and published on a fellow blog. Feel free to share your found TRIUMPHS! We all have them within us and I bet you do too.

When life has you feeling defeated; What do you do?

My name is Kashinda and becoming disabled, I never imagined having to adjust my life for anything other than my daughter.  My entire adult life has always been about parenting. I raised my daughter, Asia now age 21 years old, as a single mother and for many others like us, it has been quite the journey. I’m sure many would agree that life is unpredictable and there are many challenges, obstacles that we never expect to take place. As the saying goes, “Never say never.”

We as parents must learn to adapt to any situation placed before us despite our knowledge thereof, we strive to protect our young.

I have always had to adapt. I went from being a hard working single mom to a vulnerable, sickly woman. My daughter witnessed a decline in her mother’s health that resulted in a drastic change in our lives’.

A benign, yet aggressive brain tumor shook our world. Before its finding, I experienced many disabling physical and mental changes. I was grateful when the tumor was finally detected after two years of medical mystery. I was bed ridden, my days were spent in an intolerable amount of bodily pain and my nights were spent in tears wondering why. I underwent four brain surgeries to get that tumor nipped in the bud. Each time was just as traumatic as the first.

Nevertheless, I feel blessed to have been able to overcome such life altering circumstances. I am here today to share some of my life experiences in hopes to inspire someone who may also feel like they were cheated by some unexpected obstacle that has left them stuck, only hanging on by a thread; that thread is the “WHY?”

But I’m here to let you know you can reclaim your life with what you have, regardless of what it is. If you are blessed to witness a new day on earth, then you already have within you what it takes to live on. We must learn to not focus on what we don’t have and focus on using what we do have to get what we want. There is of course a fine line to that motto. Be careful to keep it on a positive note.

We must understand that our way of thinking plays a huge part in how we move and shake in this world. I was taught by the powers that be, that we are all works in progress. Certain lessons in life have led me to the gifts given to me like creativity, leadership and the gift of gab. I took these things that were free and I am now my daughter’s talent manager, an author of my debut novel entitled, The Triumph In Me and business co-owner of 4Lane Publications.

Tread lightly while leaving strong footprints. It is our stories of life we are creating each and every day. Learn to turn your troubles into triumphs.

Kashinda T. Marche

 

Holding On!

Hey guys, today is one of those days. It is a day but not too good as far as my mood goes. I had a pretty decent day yesterday. I had my very 1st blog radio https://percolate.blogtalkradio.com/OffsitePlayer?hostId=980495&episodeId=9523211” target=”_blank”>Interview. It was awesome although I was nervous as hell. Tomorrow, Saturday will be my 2nd book signing event and sure I’m excited about that but today, I don’t know it’s just not a good day.  So I just wanna share some random writing if you don’t mind.

My hands are in pain. My fingertips are numbing. It could be the neuropathy but oh well shit hurts like hell. I try to think positive thoughts but of course it’s still a struggle. Working so hard to be working so hard is literally killing me. Why? could it be because the power that be insist? Maybe. Did I mention my hands are in pain. Could it be that the rope aka life has me dangling mid air. I weigh in at about 180lbs. Imagine holding that rope so tight that you can no longer feel it. But then again it could be the neuropathy. I ask myself all the time, “Do you know what you’re doing?” My answer is always the same, “No!”  I do know that I work so hard to work so hard. Even though the magnetic force has left my ten fingers, I mustn’t let go. Why? could it be because the powers that be insist? Maybe.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a complaint. Oh no that wouldn’t be wise of me to do that. I am in no position to complain. I have far too many things to be grateful for, so many things to be thankful for. Why? could it be because the powers that be insist? Maybe.

Did I mention my hands are in pain. They are confused. Am I still mid air or have I slipped toward the lower? I ask myself all the time, “Do you know what you’re doing?” My answer remains the same. “No!” I do know I’m fighting. I’m fighting to hold on. Even though my hands are in pain. Even though I could be slipping. I’m still holding on. Why? It is because the powers that be insist.

 

My Process continues

 

FINAL COVER

Hey guys,  I am back to fill you in on the continued process of my self-published journey.

The previous post left off at my completion of my 1st draft of THE TRIUMPH IN ME.

Now from this point everyone’s journey is different of course, so for me I let my 1st draft marinate for a minute and I just read it over and over and each time I read it I found myself creating more and more scenes. It actually increased from 10,000 words to 26,000 words. I had a complete story that I was satisfied with.

Now what? Is it ready to publish? Will anybody want to buy it? Is it interesting enough to satisfy an avid reader’s appetite? How in the hell am I supposed to know?

Well that’s what an editor is for and why you have what is called beta-readers. They can provide you with the feedback needed to shape your baby. Then you have a final manuscript ready to format for either E-Book or Paperback or both. I decided to format both. I’ve learned that there are those who prefer to read on their mobile devices and then you have those who prefer the traditional way; holding that physical book in their hands and feeling that flipping of the pages against their fingertips.

My journey was created long before I began writing. It was what my life has been that led me to the pen. Most of what I’ve learned is that money plays a big part in the self-publishing process; but it doesn’t necessarily have to. Most can be accomplished with an extra dash of creativity and lots of prayer. Sometimes a pinch of begging and pleading can help as well. I had no budget; $0 budget.

I was able to find an editor through Facebook groups I had joined. She was affordable and had a great reputation as far I could tell. I prayed on it (as mentioned in a previous post) and then I was hit with an idea that was so far from my mind.

A friend of mine asked me to start a publishing service with her and together we published my 1st book. Her business management education and background, her passion for helping others succeed, and her drive to become monetarily stable was all I needed to know to convince me to join forces. She advanced the start-up funds to get my book fully edited and the cover designed and I did the book formatting and layout.

We both marketed and promoted on our social media platforms, researched all aspects of the business and here I am proud to say that we have a damn good (maybe not perfect) but really good looking book that contains a powerful story within its pages.

Of course we are still learning as we all are or should be but I introduce to you:     book-logo

Here are the links to where you can sign up for updates, read our bios and of course purchase a copy straight from our WEBSITE which I will personally autograph and ship to you.

Follow us on TWITTER and INSTAGRAM and get exclusive updates on what’s happening with us. We will be taking submissions very soon.

Hope you enjoyed this post. I will be back with more!

Thank you for visiting and as always feel free to leave a comment!

 

My Process: As promised

 

FINAL COVER

 

So as promised, this Self Publishing journey has been quite the ride and it is still progressing.
It all began as a single thought; more like a question. I found myself questioning my life. With everything I had been going through health wise, mentally and emotionally. The question posed was, “What am I still here for?” or “What is my purpose?” I am sure I am not the only one who has ever posed these questions on themselves, but I was truly lost. I felt like I had raised my daughter well enough to where she can pursue her life with some provided fundamental tools. Because she was all my life had been about, I no longer am able to be in the workforce, I have decided to not be in any intimate relationships, now what?
In the midst of these questions being raised, a single thought struck me; which led to more thoughts. After continuous prayer, I came to the conclusion that I must share. Sharing is caring they say and since I care about people, here I am.
We all have experiences that we go through in life, some preventable and some inevitable. It is our duty to recognize what God created us to become whatever it is he willed for us. Sometimes it takes a whole lot of life to get us to that point. If and when he grants you that day, it is a sense of clarity almost indescribable. I’d like to consider it enlightenment.
I began writing because there was so much built up emotion about various situations; it caused a creative flow that I couldn’t turn off. My head and my heart was soooo heavy. He did that. He made me this way for a reason and so I began to share.
When I was asked what inspired me. My answer was simple, LIFE is what inspired me. What my life has been about. What my life has not been about. How is it that I am still here while others I have lost are not. Other lives around me. Other lives I know nothing about. My point is there were so many things to draw from and it took him to show me.
My 1st book THE TRIUMPH IN ME, focuses on a young girl with a negative perception, she didn’t even realize that’s what it was til later during her adult years. Her life was filled with challenge after challenge after challenge as most others’ lives are, however, this particular young lady had her unique journey that God created just for her and so she shares her life experiences.
As the author I combined lots of devastating issues not easily spoken about because I hoped to make my debut by delivering a powerful message to inspire those who may need some inspiration in their lives. I must admit I wasn’t completely sure if I was on the right track by writing but it looks as if I was, I am on the right track because it brings me joy to write for others to absorb. Does any of that make sense?
Here are the steps I took on my continuing journey as a self published author:

Figure out why do you want to write. What do you want to write about? And start writing. Keep in mind that when you begin writing, it may or may not make any sense. Keep writing.
Begin to mention what it is that you find yourself writing about or how it feels to be writing period. Maybe a blog or a notebook or straight to your pc, your choice.
I started with this blog with you all. I’ve made some pretty good contact with people who were able to relate to what was pouring from my heart. It actually encouraged me to keep going. There were many times I felt way outta my league; then someone I never even met had something to say about something I had written, that touched them. It was those little things that pushed me right along.
As my writing process continued, I began researching. I googled all types of stuff relating to the writing process all the way to publishing options. I watched so many Youtube videos. Here are links to some of my favs: VIDEO #1    VIDEO #2     VIDEO #3     VIDEO #4

It’s amazing how many people go through the very same things you go through all at different points of life, different parts of the world, all background types, like its crazy what you find when you take the time to look.
Once I was able to organize all the thoughts I had written, it became more like a story. I added and deleted, added and deleted some more. Before I knew it, I had a short story of about 10,000 words, and it made sense. I had my daughter, a friend of hers and a friend of mine read it. They were like “Oh my gosh, you wrote a story?” I was like, “I don’t know, did I?” And so that my friends is how I ended up with a 1st draft of my book.
Now you guys who have been following me for a while know that I am physically challenged and so I must take intermissions. I will continue the details of my journey on another post. Stay tuned! Oh yeah, let me know your thoughts so far by commenting below. Talk to me guys, I wanna interact with you. I promise I am a nice person. 🙂