Tag Archives: faith

Life Lied…

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Life lied to me when:  From a little girl, I always felt different. If I could describe the days I remembered as a child in one word it would be fear. I was a scared little girl. But, scared in a different way; I behaved the opposite. Now I know that may seem weird. It was like the things I did, I was afraid of but did anyway and ended up hurt in a way that in my new life (presently) I am just understanding how.

I started drinking alcohol at the very young age of ten years old. Alcohol easily became my coping mechanism. Then sex. Then work. Then now. Life. I lived life the best I could just like everyone else, sometimes I felt like I had to go a little harder. Like average was never enough. I don’t know who said average wasn’t good enough for me, especially when it seems like I always ended up having to settle or had to be satisfied with below average. It made me feel some fucking way. Life made me feel like a fucking joke. Going so hard for shit never mounted out to anything other than pain and sorrow; disappointment, frustration and envy.

You ever feel like your life just ain’t shit. I mean of course, you have family; children and a job, relationships with good times. I mean YOUR life. MY life just always felt like I was just floating through a maze and I did the best I could with my choices and decisions. But c’mon, am I the only in the world who felt like something just wasn’t right. I’ve come across the stories of transgenders, who speak of a feeling of difference. I’ve heard of people with certain mental defects speak of some sort of difference in their way of choice. For me, I felt like my life wasn’t shit nor was I ever good enough; but, it wasn’t supposed to feel that way.

Other people’s lives always looked like they would come out better than me, even dealing with similar situations. They’d be struggling just like me and seem to have more or something of what I wanted for me and mines. Certainly, during these stages in my life, I didn’t understand it all. I was just floating. Never feeling the security of the ground beneath my feet. Always going extra hard to strive for the best. The best for me. The best apartments, clothes, jobs, kids, bank account. The best relationships. For ME. Somehow, it got turned into the best for others. In my mind that is. I tried to be the best forever other than me. The best mom. The best daughter. The best sibling. The best student. The best girlfriend. The best employee. You get the idea, rite? I enjoyed the ride. It became the normal, just a way of life. I wanted to do most of what I did; however, it wasn’t the best of me. It was what I thought was the best I could give. Whatever the fuck that means. Anyway, moving forward, I will share the difference. I am now living in the best version of me, a better me. I’m still learning because we will always learning something each day. Why? Or How? You may wonder, well, it’s because it’s a new day that we aren’t able to predict. I didn’t know how good it feels or better it feels being ME. For ME. I am taking the time to learn about me, reflecting on the me I used to be versus now. It’s crazy similar; however, just knowing it’s about me, feels incredible.  

I’ve written various pieces describing many different stages in my life and lessons I have learned. As I continue to share, it will become evident that what I thought my life would be and what I always worked toward turned out to be nothing as I imagined. Yet, it did. And, what I’ve learned in whole is life lied to me but God didn’t.

Have you realized life lessons are powerful? care to share any of your life lessons?

Next will be about some relationship shit I have learned. Now I got stories for days but I will keep it real and brief.

Blessings,

 KTM

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Time!

Time makes things happen. When time is of its essence, the power then becomes yours. If time did not exist; neither did you.

Have you ever noticed that, if it weren’t for time spent doing something, whatever that is, it’s not until then that you know or not know.

I spent all my life running toward what I believed to be the good life. Success, riches, love…Really?

I spent all my life running away from darkness, pain, defeat. It wasn’t until my moments of stillness, that I became enriched with the knowing and that of the not knowing for which I was running.

Time revealed I was running. He granted me time. To gain an understanding of my existence, belonging to be mine. Time is the gift and that of what I’ve become. By which time is the reward. Including the effort, the running, all that was hard. The reward to myself, the reward to those around me, the reward reverted back to him, that of ME.

Thank you is all I can give; at least I thought. I thought wrong. How is that possible? Because without the understanding of time, it’s difficult to understand anything else.

Share Day

Hi!   I appreciate your visit. Thank you for your time and interest.  I found this Article  that gives good insight as to a step of my existing process. I do feel I have been led to my purpose. I’ve discovered this over the course of the past 4 years and I base this on the struggles in my life and the only sense to make of it. HELPING! I see how much help/support I needed throughout and wasn’t aware that it was there all along. So many mistakes (maybe) but more so lessons learned. Lessons I tried to explain to my daughter in hopes to aid her in decisions and choices she may face in her life.  I have found that my purpose in life is to be an example for others; to help others who may lack hope, faith or motivation,  maybe some guidance/mentorship. Perhaps.

My name is Kashinda and I am a Life Lesson.

I am researching and learning how to effectively communicate to others because I have lots to say about this thing called “life.” A life that can be fulfilling and enriched with love and support if you allow it.

Please as always if you find any of my posts to be beneficial or interesting, share to your social media. You never know what messages are shared to others who may need it at that very moment.

Once again, thank you for visiting.

My Life…My Terms…Guided By His Light ~ KTM

Changing My Song

Hey guys, today I decided to try something a little different. Is there anyone else out there sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of singing the same old sad song? Seeking a better way to lighten the mental load of despair? Lord knows I fall under this category of questions. Well, let’s see if I can manage to sing a different tune.

Today I am thankful; thankful to recognize all the rights to some of my wrongs. Although I am still a work in progress, I have come a long way. I am thankful for that. As we are closing out the year 2016, I would like to highlight a few things that will hopefully make my 2017 a bit more tolerable.

My spirit of belief has grown tremendously. I had a hard time believing in myself, believing that I could do the impossibles that existed in my world of reality. I’ve learned this year that the world I created to be my reality had been isolated from the world of others I share the universe with. I had to learn that there was so much more to look to than what I had became accustomed to knowing. A world of dreams, goals and aspirations. I now realize how I have been so selfish to my potential self by not believing there was a world bigger than my own.

My mental health still suffers from my own ignorance. I chose to think I had the mental capacity to guide my footsteps in life. The thought that I can ignore medication therapy and all will be well. The thought that I could ignore the need of psychotherapy and all will be well. The thought that if I can just accept the fact that I share my being with a diagnosis of BiPolar Depression, all would be well. Bullshit rite? It takes more than just my thoughts of or acceptance of for all to be well; for me to be well. I am thankful that despite my moments of weakness, I haven’t attempted to take my own life. 

My physical abilities have declined significantly during this past year. I am now convinced that the use of a wheelchair is in my best interest. My doctors have previous certified me wheelchair approved but it took a while for that to digest. I continued to struggle to walk and have had a few falls along the way. I am now in acceptance to using a wheelchair to get around. I have installed a shower transfer bench to ensure I not fall in the shower anymore. Major safety issue. One of those thankfuls I’d like to express. I am thankful that despite my own ignorant negligence, I have escaped major injury from numerous shower falls. 

This neuropathy thing is probably the most disturbing circumstance of all. It was one thing to get used to the fucked up feeling of a continuing numbness and painful ordeal taking place in my lower legs and feet but now my hands are suffering as well. I no longer have feeling in my fingertips and my fingers themselves feel as if they are jammed in a door sometimes. Pain in my hands and fingers are now included on my long list of all that’s wrong in my life. But as I mentioned earlier this post will not focus on the wrongs but clearly I had to lay some of them out just to get the point across. Surely enough to emphasize how I am thankful to it all. 

My personal life, well let’s just say it gets a little lonely being alone. I know it was my own choice to not date and block out any thoughts of intimacy but gee whiz. I must admit my past relationships have been quite interesting and when I reflect back after having adjusted my perception, boy o boy, what was I thinking? How did my mates last as long as they did? I was a piece of work, yup, a load to deal with. We had our great moments sure but uh, yea, I guess I don’t blame them for not fighting me on separating. I have learned to live this thing alone, on my own with the help of getting through it from family especially my daughter. She has been exceptionally supportive and will always remain my biggest motivator. I am thankful to have such a wonderful daughter.

Without turning this into a short story. Funny, coming from a person who these days are becoming known as an author; which brings me to the publishing of my 1st book titled, The Triumph In Me, during this year. Still in awe about that whole situation, I must mention it. I am again still learning to accept that God had placed certain gifts in me as he did for all of us. I didn’t believe in myself enough to know that I was inclusive in such blessings. But yes, I am blessed and oh so thankful for being made aware of my gifts, one which happens to be that of writing. It may even be considered quite remarkable how such an individual going through all these mental and physical changes managed to push out a BOOK. Maybe to some it may not be so remarkable but here’s the gist to that, the whole point of it all. You ready? Well it really doesn’t MATTER what others think of or view of the idea; as long as I know what I’ve been through, still going through and what it took to accomplish such a deed. An effort to find my purpose and pursue it. A lesson I learned while writing; I do have a purpose in my life and lives of others. I am a survivor, who chooses to share personal experiences in an effort to help others like me realize their potential. I am thankful for finally believing in ME.

That’s all for now! Stay tuned for my next post where I’m thinking of pointing out some of the contradictions in life I’ve noticed thus far on my journey to self-discovery.

As always thank you for visiting me and if you have something to say; please comment below.

I appreciate your time.

 

 

 

Holding On!

Hey guys, today is one of those days. It is a day but not too good as far as my mood goes. I had a pretty decent day yesterday. I had my very 1st blog radio https://percolate.blogtalkradio.com/OffsitePlayer?hostId=980495&episodeId=9523211” target=”_blank”>Interview. It was awesome although I was nervous as hell. Tomorrow, Saturday will be my 2nd book signing event and sure I’m excited about that but today, I don’t know it’s just not a good day.  So I just wanna share some random writing if you don’t mind.

My hands are in pain. My fingertips are numbing. It could be the neuropathy but oh well shit hurts like hell. I try to think positive thoughts but of course it’s still a struggle. Working so hard to be working so hard is literally killing me. Why? could it be because the power that be insist? Maybe. Did I mention my hands are in pain. Could it be that the rope aka life has me dangling mid air. I weigh in at about 180lbs. Imagine holding that rope so tight that you can no longer feel it. But then again it could be the neuropathy. I ask myself all the time, “Do you know what you’re doing?” My answer is always the same, “No!”  I do know that I work so hard to work so hard. Even though the magnetic force has left my ten fingers, I mustn’t let go. Why? could it be because the powers that be insist? Maybe.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a complaint. Oh no that wouldn’t be wise of me to do that. I am in no position to complain. I have far too many things to be grateful for, so many things to be thankful for. Why? could it be because the powers that be insist? Maybe.

Did I mention my hands are in pain. They are confused. Am I still mid air or have I slipped toward the lower? I ask myself all the time, “Do you know what you’re doing?” My answer remains the same. “No!” I do know I’m fighting. I’m fighting to hold on. Even though my hands are in pain. Even though I could be slipping. I’m still holding on. Why? It is because the powers that be insist.

 

Just wanna be

Ever have that moment where you just wanna be something other than

Other than what is. Other than what isn’t. You just wanna be!

I often had moments where I knew I wanted to be something but couldn’t put my finger on what.

Even now in this very moment I know I just wanna be

I just wanna breathe and not feel like I’m drowning

I just wanna see and not be so blinded

I just wanna be loved and not feel so alone

I just wanna be free and not feel so held captive

I just wanna rise and not feel so weighed down

I just wanna live and not feel so dead

I JUST WANNA BE

anything? NO! Other than what is. Other than what isn’t.

I JUST WANNA BE

Dreaming?

        “The Triumph In Me”

Never knew it was there but it was all along

My dream come true is being led by my biggest nightmare

 

 

Disabled and still dreaming? Just because I’m disabled
doesn’t make my dreams any less attainable… Striving for success while facing
challenges of becoming disabled… I wasn’t born this way and I won’t die this
way… Defeating my disability…

Cheers to a new beginning! A new life I chose to claim after
surviving 4 brain surgeries within a 5-year span. I am a single African American woman, mother of one daughter, now age 21-years old. My name is Kashinda and I raised my daughter as a single
parent while also suffering from mental illness (Depression). My life has been
filled with one challenge after another and presently I must deal with a
physically limited lifestyle due to a chronic case of Peripheral Neuropathy,
which makes tackling the simplest task difficult to complete.

The pain from nerve damage is horrible but I am learning to adapt.

I am very grateful just to be alive.

I have been blessed enough to realize I needed to make a
choice, to live the best I can with what I have or wither away in sorrow. I
chose to live. I actually decided to share this story with the world by authoring
my first book entitled “The Triumph In Me”, which is set to re-launch soon.
Writing a book was not something I sat out to do but as I got to know
myself again, there was something in my heart that felt like there can never be
too many stories shared. It is my hopes to inspire and motivate anyone who can
relate to similar or not so similar issues. For them to grab hold to a handful
of faith and choose to live their lives as well. Often we get so overwhelmed by
all the negativity, we lose sight of any hope for the positive things that can
arise from our unfortunate situations. I have basically lived in silence with
my illnesses aside from a handful of people.
It is now I choose to own my life as it is.

Will you join me in sharing
my truth?  Use the hashtag #Tharisse and share to your social media.

Much thanks and appreciation!

Guess Who?

My shadow is my best friend
It knows all my secrets – all my fears – all my dreams – what’s truly in my heart
I never had to speak a word…it just knows
I cannot deny my shadow even if I tried
My shadow never leaves me…even when I can’t see it I know its always there
I wonder if it’s there on purpose
My shadow reminds me of another – Can you guess who?
******Leave your answers in the comment section below******

Darkness

If you haven’t already been introduced to Tharisse ,get acquainted with her by clicking the link:  amazon.com/Triumph-Within-Tharisse-Kashinda-Marche-ebook/dp/B01GDSIJRS/

Coming Soon!! as Tharisse continues her truth.
Here I share with you one of her diary entries to be included in the next phase of her journey.

My Darkest Hours

Thinking back on some of the darkest hours in my life brings me to a place buried so deep. It is amazing how far I’ve come but will never be completely rid of these memories.

Sitting in the house sipping on some E & J VSOP and listening to my old school club music, Caught Up In A One Night Love Affair by Inner Life comes on and reminds me of being disappointed yet again by life…All it took was the thought of how much I have already endured and the unknown of what may still lie ahead for me that placed me in the darkness. I had some over the counter pain relievers and felt the need to try another escape, another cowardly run for it. I mixed the pills with the booz, stretched out on the bed and waited. Young Destiny was in school during this time and I was home. A medical leave from my job left me to my negative thoughts. In a relationship but still felt so alone. The dark found me again in a moment of weakness. I figured by the time Destiny was due to come home, my body would have already been picked up by the coroner. What was I thinking? How could I do that to my daughter, just leave her like that? Well during those dark times, I felt like Destiny would either be better off without me or I would just take her with me. Thinking about it now I’m like “What the fuck!” I was in pretty bad shape during my darkest moments but at the end of the day, somehow, someway there was always a saving grace with me along the way and so here I am.

To share these experiences can hopefully find a soul out there who needs to know that they are not the only one who becomes victim to dark moments and that they too can survive them even though it may not seem so.