Tag Archives: inspiration

Life Lied…

IMG_0573

Life lied to me when:  From a little girl, I always felt different. If I could describe the days I remembered as a child in one word it would be fear. I was a scared little girl. But, scared in a different way; I behaved the opposite. Now I know that may seem weird. It was like the things I did, I was afraid of but did anyway and ended up hurt in a way that in my new life (presently) I am just understanding how.

I started drinking alcohol at the very young age of ten years old. Alcohol easily became my coping mechanism. Then sex. Then work. Then now. Life. I lived life the best I could just like everyone else, sometimes I felt like I had to go a little harder. Like average was never enough. I don’t know who said average wasn’t good enough for me, especially when it seems like I always ended up having to settle or had to be satisfied with below average. It made me feel some fucking way. Life made me feel like a fucking joke. Going so hard for shit never mounted out to anything other than pain and sorrow; disappointment, frustration and envy.

You ever feel like your life just ain’t shit. I mean of course, you have family; children and a job, relationships with good times. I mean YOUR life. MY life just always felt like I was just floating through a maze and I did the best I could with my choices and decisions. But c’mon, am I the only in the world who felt like something just wasn’t right. I’ve come across the stories of transgenders, who speak of a feeling of difference. I’ve heard of people with certain mental defects speak of some sort of difference in their way of choice. For me, I felt like my life wasn’t shit nor was I ever good enough; but, it wasn’t supposed to feel that way.

Other people’s lives always looked like they would come out better than me, even dealing with similar situations. They’d be struggling just like me and seem to have more or something of what I wanted for me and mines. Certainly, during these stages in my life, I didn’t understand it all. I was just floating. Never feeling the security of the ground beneath my feet. Always going extra hard to strive for the best. The best for me. The best apartments, clothes, jobs, kids, bank account. The best relationships. For ME. Somehow, it got turned into the best for others. In my mind that is. I tried to be the best forever other than me. The best mom. The best daughter. The best sibling. The best student. The best girlfriend. The best employee. You get the idea, rite? I enjoyed the ride. It became the normal, just a way of life. I wanted to do most of what I did; however, it wasn’t the best of me. It was what I thought was the best I could give. Whatever the fuck that means. Anyway, moving forward, I will share the difference. I am now living in the best version of me, a better me. I’m still learning because we will always learning something each day. Why? Or How? You may wonder, well, it’s because it’s a new day that we aren’t able to predict. I didn’t know how good it feels or better it feels being ME. For ME. I am taking the time to learn about me, reflecting on the me I used to be versus now. It’s crazy similar; however, just knowing it’s about me, feels incredible.  

I’ve written various pieces describing many different stages in my life and lessons I have learned. As I continue to share, it will become evident that what I thought my life would be and what I always worked toward turned out to be nothing as I imagined. Yet, it did. And, what I’ve learned in whole is life lied to me but God didn’t.

Have you realized life lessons are powerful? care to share any of your life lessons?

Next will be about some relationship shit I have learned. Now I got stories for days but I will keep it real and brief.

Blessings,

 KTM

Advertisements

Time!

Time makes things happen. When time is of its essence, the power then becomes yours. If time did not exist; neither did you.

Have you ever noticed that, if it weren’t for time spent doing something, whatever that is, it’s not until then that you know or not know.

I spent all my life running toward what I believed to be the good life. Success, riches, love…Really?

I spent all my life running away from darkness, pain, defeat. It wasn’t until my moments of stillness, that I became enriched with the knowing and that of the not knowing for which I was running.

Time revealed I was running. He granted me time. To gain an understanding of my existence, belonging to be mine. Time is the gift and that of what I’ve become. By which time is the reward. Including the effort, the running, all that was hard. The reward to myself, the reward to those around me, the reward reverted back to him, that of ME.

Thank you is all I can give; at least I thought. I thought wrong. How is that possible? Because without the understanding of time, it’s difficult to understand anything else.

Share Day

Hi!   I appreciate your visit. Thank you for your time and interest.  I found this Article  that gives good insight as to a step of my existing process. I do feel I have been led to my purpose. I’ve discovered this over the course of the past 4 years and I base this on the struggles in my life and the only sense to make of it. HELPING! I see how much help/support I needed throughout and wasn’t aware that it was there all along. So many mistakes (maybe) but more so lessons learned. Lessons I tried to explain to my daughter in hopes to aid her in decisions and choices she may face in her life.  I have found that my purpose in life is to be an example for others; to help others who may lack hope, faith or motivation,  maybe some guidance/mentorship. Perhaps.

My name is Kashinda and I am a Life Lesson.

I am researching and learning how to effectively communicate to others because I have lots to say about this thing called “life.” A life that can be fulfilling and enriched with love and support if you allow it.

Please as always if you find any of my posts to be beneficial or interesting, share to your social media. You never know what messages are shared to others who may need it at that very moment.

Once again, thank you for visiting.

My Life…My Terms…Guided By His Light ~ KTM

Self-Awareness

Hey guys, this is how the start of my new happily ever after began.

There could be a million different reasons as to why a person can want to live a different lifestyle from their own. Perhaps, the lifestyle they have become accustomed to no longer fulfills them or maybe the change was forced upon them. It doesn’t really matter what the reasoning is; the choice is yours.

My personal experience has led me to the practicing of self-awareness.

By definition self-awareness is the conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives, and desires.  I found this great article that explains the process in full details. Hope you find it helpful.  Self-Awareness has been a huge key to the transformation of my life.

As most of you have learned through some of my previous posts, I have been challenged with both mental & physical Illness, including losing my ability to walk. Depression has been a big struggle for me over the years. Medication therapy, psychotherapy and support groups are most effective when you commit to them. I never did. Some will say I brought the struggles on myself because help was available. Here was my problem: I didn’t even feel worth the effort. It didn’t matter if help was or wasn’t available; I never committed. I suffered with low self-esteem, lack of confidence and an overall negative outlook on life. I did not feel I was worth the effort. My relationships paid the price. How?  I was dependent upon others to provide me with self-worth. Sounds crazy, rite? Well it was easy. I looked for love, happiness and joy from others, such as my daughter. I felt I wasn’t capable of creating these emotions or experience them without the need of others. The funniest thing about it is that although the people closest to me tried to make me happy, it was never enough for me. I couldn’t seem to reach a sense of satisfaction. I was so hungry for love and happiness that it didn’t occur to me until more recently that the missing piece was self-love. I didn’t love myself and that is a steep hole to fill. My daughter has been the only one to love me unconditionally and I use “unconditionally” lightly. She had no problem with snapping me back to earth whenever I acted out in her presence. She would not allow me to embarrass either one of us, especially her. ☺ I love my daughter so much.

Self-love is important. How else can you fully love another without loving yourself?

Feel free to like, share or comment. All are welcomed!

*Smiles and blessings to us all.

Plea for your help!

Hey guys, I have been contemplating on starting a GoFundMe in order to assist in the purchase of a motorized wheelchair. Today I am sharing the link. Yes, I have decided to take the leap of faith and ASK for help. If you can help share the link I would be grateful. Any donations made are greatly appreciated!

Thank you in advance and stay tuned for more written pieces from me. Blessings to you all 😊

Click here to DONATE

Still awake at 3am

Hey guys, I know it’s been a while but here I am. How’s everyone doing?

It’s 3am and I am awake. (Insomnia sucks!)

Staring at the ceiling wondering what my life would be like without the sicknesses, without pain, without the gloom of loneliness. So I decided to write.

Ever wonder what your life would like if you didn’t have that dark cloud hovering over you?

Well let me see, although it’s hard to imagine my life any different; I would like to think it would free. I would be free. Free to dream, free to explore, free to love and certainly  free to work. I felt like I was held captive by pain.

When you are challenged to live in constant pain, your response is to try and fight back. What does that little voice inside you say? Does it try and convince you that you can handle it? Does it often remind you that you’re human and it’s ok to feel and that it will pass soon?

But what if it doesn’t. You must find a way to alleviate it, rite? You’ve tried all sorts of remedies. Time to get your mind in the game and pray your physical being falls in line.

I am learning to refocus my energy away from the things/thoughts that bring me negative feelings. I want to share my experience with those that are at the end of their ropes. I have created a MeetUp group for people living with chronic pain. I chose to dedicate it to persons with symptoms of nerve damage but all pain relief seekers are welcomed. We will share ideas and discover effective ways of coping.

Providing helpful support, encouraging others and allowing my journey to set an example of hope brings me great joy. It’s what I have found to be a positive shift in energy.

There’s no doubt we all will have bad days but you deserve some good ones too.

Join in on a Skype meeting usually held on Saturdays at 5pm Est and you may discover a positive distraction that works well for you. Maybe you’d like to share something that can be helpful to another. Either way, we’d love to have you.

It’s free to join the group. Sign up here: MeetUp .

Contradictions! Annoying?

Hey guys, hope all is well!

Today I am sharing some of life’s contradictions I have found to be annoying and confusing. As I have decided to share personal experiences with you all, these are my personal opinions. I am in no way judging anyone or anyone’s way of thinking. We are all works in progress, myself included, and so if you find contradiction in anything I post then that is my intended point. Here we go:

wpid-blaise-pascal-quotation-contradiction-is-not-a

#1  There are so many messages circulating the world about not giving up. “Never give up on your dreams.” “Keep Pushing.”  Well what about the sayings of, “Know when to throw the towel in.” “Enough is Enough.” Oh, and my favorite “Knowing when to walk away is wisdom. Being able to is Courage.”  Now I’m not sure about anyone else but this confusing the hell out of me. As I am trying my damnedest to hold on and keep fighting the good fight. I am trying to pursue a journey of success that I never thought was possible. But because of those sayings of, “If you could Imagine it, You could Achieve it.” “Never give up Dreaming.”  I feel as though I am on a hamster wheel. Chasing my own tail. I have prayed on it and truly believe I am supposed to be doing a good service to others by sharing my personal experiences of beating the odds and overcoming some difficult life challenges. To help others who may be trapped in their darkness. I must admit, this shit is exhausting. I am drained and it doesn’t seem as if anyone care what I must say, let alone is inspired in anyway. So, my question is, do I throw the towel in? It wouldn’t necessarily be due to giving up but more so saving myself from destruction. I am wearing myself out trying to be a voice for those of unheard voices. Are you depressed, newly disabled or just feel like no one sees you, hear you? I don’t think I am the only one who fits the bill but I could always be wrong. I shouldn’t give up just because it seems as if nothing is happening, rite? I never know who is watching and maybe I am here for a reason not yet revealed to me as I thought it was.

#2   Next we have “Never say Never.” Ummmm, if I’m not mistaken, this refers to anything being possible. To never say what you won’t do or won’t say because you may someday find yourself doing it or saying it, rite? Sooooo, if I am never to give up then how in the heck am I supposed to know when to walk away. This is a similar confusion as mentioned in #1. Help me out folks, let’s talk about it. Now don’t get it twisted, I am a believer of all these especially never say never. Example: I NEVER thought I would have written a book and people have actually read it and thought it was pretty damn great. Whoa! Me? Really? YES me, I wrote a fuckin book. A story of both weakness and strength! The Triumph In Me.

contradiction-image-3

#3   This is recap of a previous post I did on life’s contradictions. Maybe you’d agree or maybe you won’t. It’s okay; that’s what makes us different, rite?

There are no special instructions on how to cope with the extremes of life but there are certain remedies that can lessen the mass affects.

I have found that prayer is the #1 key to my life. I am not about to preach the word however I am a witness to its glory. Life is hard, it’s just that simple but if we learn to utilize some hardcore combat, it can be quite enjoyable too.

Selflessness for starters can take you a long way. The idea of treating others the way you would want to be treated is an important aspect but it tends to get lost within our typical behavior. If you can consider helping another individual, no matter how direct or indirect it may be, without regard to reciprocation, I can assure you, that help will find its way back around in some shape or form. Karma you may call it, that saying of “what goes around comes back around”, yes, I believe in that saying however its plenty of old wise tales that go hand in hand for instance, “you reap what you sow” or how about “every dog has its day”, so keep these old wise tales in mind when making decisions in life.

Selfishness is that behavior that can make or break you in a sense, it is a very fine line not to cross, so be careful. Remember that “God only helps those who help themselves,” they say, but that’s a fine line because he is so merciful that he will be of rescue despite of, however you must know that you have to look out for yourself first before you can expect the next person to follow suit. If you can learn that loving yourself is as worthy as loving another including your children, then life’s perception will be that much more clear to see. Yes, I said love yourself even before your children because a parent that does not love themselves will impact the lives of their children in ways that aren’t always positive and although these impacts are not intentional will not make them nonexistent. Same case for your partner in life be it a spouse or just a significant other, ask yourself “how can you possibly expect to have a healthy relationship when you are not even healthy enough to love yourself?”
Today, we see all kinds of contradictions in our entertainment, politics and education. I am not in the best position to speak on all the details of such, I will leave that to all the other blogs out there that somehow specialize in those areas. I will say though we are blinded by this stuff and easily to forget how our own minds and the resulted behavior of which we live day to day becomes insulting, demeaning and subliminally destructive. We destruct the hope and possibilities of sustaining healthy, fulfilling, enjoyable lives.

Now there may be many to disagree or feel as though without an extended education or have earned a mastering degree, who the hell am I to speak to such manners. Well I am me, and I am living a life in this world we all were born into and so I have earned a degree in “LIFE” and these are my personal opinions and my voice in which I choose not to leave unheard any longer.  I am finally taking ownership and responsibility of myself and who I once was and now have become, we all are a work in progress and must recognize that and learn to appreciate it as well.

Your voice, rightfully given to you. It is the tool in life of which you should want to learn its value if you haven’t already. Respect yourself and others no matter what because once respect is lost anything goes from that point. Just think a minute how you treat those you have no respect for, how you speak to them, how you view them, how they lost their creditability with you. Now imagine you not having respect for yourself and the behaviors others may inflict on you. Not so pretty rite?

As I share my story with you, there will be moments when you will say that I’ve contradicted myself during various times in my life and that my parenting may even seem contradicting as well, but hey that’s the way of the world, life is full of contradictions, so before you pass judgment on me, I suggest you clean your mirror off most importantly and then take a glimpse in it.

As life taught me its lessons and as I learned what faith was, I passed it along to my only born child and as you follow my story, our story, it will become apparent that this bond between mother and child was created in such a way that it is not easily understood by many. God created us and our story before we fleshly existed and so it has come to me that who am I to be “selfish” and not share the power of his glory. This is my “selfless” duty.

When my destiny became visible to me, I always thought my daughter was my reason for existing until I learned and grew as a person. Now I know she is just part of me. Not all of me. I will share my experiences, the lessons taught to me and the impact of such. It is my hopes you find this story not only inspiring but also necessary. It will depict how even when faced with the most challenging obstacles, we must fight like hell and continue. We all have our stories of our lives and it is these stories that make the world what it is…So if we can be mindful of what and how we perceive life to be and follow through with positive mannerism, maybe, just maybe things can be different.williamarthurward110017

If you are one who thinks no one cares or is interested in anything you have to say, I do!

Feel free to leave your comments below. If its worth you sharing then by all means pass it along on your social media. Until we meet again guys! Thank you for visiting!

Changing My Song

Hey guys, today I decided to try something a little different. Is there anyone else out there sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of singing the same old sad song? Seeking a better way to lighten the mental load of despair? Lord knows I fall under this category of questions. Well, let’s see if I can manage to sing a different tune.

Today I am thankful; thankful to recognize all the rights to some of my wrongs. Although I am still a work in progress, I have come a long way. I am thankful for that. As we are closing out the year 2016, I would like to highlight a few things that will hopefully make my 2017 a bit more tolerable.

My spirit of belief has grown tremendously. I had a hard time believing in myself, believing that I could do the impossibles that existed in my world of reality. I’ve learned this year that the world I created to be my reality had been isolated from the world of others I share the universe with. I had to learn that there was so much more to look to than what I had became accustomed to knowing. A world of dreams, goals and aspirations. I now realize how I have been so selfish to my potential self by not believing there was a world bigger than my own.

My mental health still suffers from my own ignorance. I chose to think I had the mental capacity to guide my footsteps in life. The thought that I can ignore medication therapy and all will be well. The thought that I could ignore the need of psychotherapy and all will be well. The thought that if I can just accept the fact that I share my being with a diagnosis of BiPolar Depression, all would be well. Bullshit rite? It takes more than just my thoughts of or acceptance of for all to be well; for me to be well. I am thankful that despite my moments of weakness, I haven’t attempted to take my own life. 

My physical abilities have declined significantly during this past year. I am now convinced that the use of a wheelchair is in my best interest. My doctors have previous certified me wheelchair approved but it took a while for that to digest. I continued to struggle to walk and have had a few falls along the way. I am now in acceptance to using a wheelchair to get around. I have installed a shower transfer bench to ensure I not fall in the shower anymore. Major safety issue. One of those thankfuls I’d like to express. I am thankful that despite my own ignorant negligence, I have escaped major injury from numerous shower falls. 

This neuropathy thing is probably the most disturbing circumstance of all. It was one thing to get used to the fucked up feeling of a continuing numbness and painful ordeal taking place in my lower legs and feet but now my hands are suffering as well. I no longer have feeling in my fingertips and my fingers themselves feel as if they are jammed in a door sometimes. Pain in my hands and fingers are now included on my long list of all that’s wrong in my life. But as I mentioned earlier this post will not focus on the wrongs but clearly I had to lay some of them out just to get the point across. Surely enough to emphasize how I am thankful to it all. 

My personal life, well let’s just say it gets a little lonely being alone. I know it was my own choice to not date and block out any thoughts of intimacy but gee whiz. I must admit my past relationships have been quite interesting and when I reflect back after having adjusted my perception, boy o boy, what was I thinking? How did my mates last as long as they did? I was a piece of work, yup, a load to deal with. We had our great moments sure but uh, yea, I guess I don’t blame them for not fighting me on separating. I have learned to live this thing alone, on my own with the help of getting through it from family especially my daughter. She has been exceptionally supportive and will always remain my biggest motivator. I am thankful to have such a wonderful daughter.

Without turning this into a short story. Funny, coming from a person who these days are becoming known as an author; which brings me to the publishing of my 1st book titled, The Triumph In Me, during this year. Still in awe about that whole situation, I must mention it. I am again still learning to accept that God had placed certain gifts in me as he did for all of us. I didn’t believe in myself enough to know that I was inclusive in such blessings. But yes, I am blessed and oh so thankful for being made aware of my gifts, one which happens to be that of writing. It may even be considered quite remarkable how such an individual going through all these mental and physical changes managed to push out a BOOK. Maybe to some it may not be so remarkable but here’s the gist to that, the whole point of it all. You ready? Well it really doesn’t MATTER what others think of or view of the idea; as long as I know what I’ve been through, still going through and what it took to accomplish such a deed. An effort to find my purpose and pursue it. A lesson I learned while writing; I do have a purpose in my life and lives of others. I am a survivor, who chooses to share personal experiences in an effort to help others like me realize their potential. I am thankful for finally believing in ME.

That’s all for now! Stay tuned for my next post where I’m thinking of pointing out some of the contradictions in life I’ve noticed thus far on my journey to self-discovery.

As always thank you for visiting me and if you have something to say; please comment below.

I appreciate your time.

 

 

 

Another Day Still Fighting

Hey guys!  Today is another one of those days on the battlefield, the battlefield of LIFE.

It’s no secret that I have decided to share the intimate details of my journey. I have admitted to struggling with the stability of my mental health as well as the decline in my physical abilities due to Peripheral Neuropathy otherwise known as nerve damage.

As I have been trying to take positive approaches towards bettering my life and gaining a confidence in the changes taking place, it has been extremely difficult fighting against the evils of giving up. I wish there were an easy way to transform oneself but the reality is there isn’t. My reality may be familiar or similar to many others and I try to connect with people to communicate helpful conversation. A conversation of hope but it doesn’t seem to be working.

So I shall continue to write. I will write what my heart chooses to say.

Tonight I am hurting. I am frustrated by the fact that my neuropathy is progressing faster than my mental can process it. I try to live by my message of optimism and never to give up but I am human. I am weakening. I ask God for the strength and endurance to get through my storms. I will write in hopes of relief. My words may or may not make much sense at times. The shitty thing about it all is that life at times doesn’t make much sense. Is there anyone out there who feel the same? Is there anyone out there who falls into the pit of darkness? I find myself begging for just a flicker of light in my darkness. I know it gets better but I just wish my better moments were more consistent. Is it okay to just sit in sorrow sometimes? The fight gets exhausting. People tell me all the time to keep fighting but sometimes I just rather not. I guess this is normal. What does that even mean? Normal? There is nothing normal about hating yourself one minute and trying to not the next. Oh yea, could that be the BiPolar in me? Maybe.

My next post will most likely be different than this one. Or not!

If you feel like saying something, please do. You MATTER!

 

Reviews? New Book Cover

Hey guys, just wanted to pop in and share my new book cover for the next book I am working on.

Also for any of you who have taken the time and dime to check out THE TRIUMPH IN ME I would love your feedback. All reviews are an important part of a writer’s process. I appreciate it so much!

Coming Soon ~ THE TRIUMPH IN HER ~ Parable of Destiny

b01n3yev65-jpg