Tag Archives: self awareness

Relationships

Relationships – What happened to forever?

Surely, we know that there are many types of relationships to be had. Family, work, INTIMATE, etc., all which come with their own expectations and faux rules. Easy peasy, rite? Do good, get good. What if the shit isn’t that simple?

So, here’s my thing with relationships and how they lied when:

The many types of intimate relationships from which I have learned consisted of heterosexual, bi-sexual, lesbian, bosses, OPP (other people’s property), shared relationships (business propositions) and all the shit that went along with them. Not all at once! That would be insane. Let me be clear, the OPP relationship was a teen romance (nightmare) but, nonetheless, has taught me a lot, only worth the mention. I learned early in life not to fuck with anybody that already had somebody.

Now the shit that came along with all theses different types of relationships that I write about were issues of infidelity, damaged self-esteem, betrayal of trust, physical abuse (in some cases sexual abuse) lack of support and the list can go on forever. Sound familiar? Gosh, I hope not. Some of those issues were ignited by me, I admit I was the culprit. And naturally, some of those issues were of no fault of my own; that was my claim. However, I still was the culprit. You must understand that in any given situation approachable, I had to consider MY part in it.

Although these days I’ve become known as a writer, I will make this as brief as possible. (skipping most of the glory details unless you request one on one talk time with me) Questions are certainly welcomed. This is my perspective…

Coming from a space in life I once was, I loved hard and was always searching. Since my teen years, I always found myself in a relationship and had the notion of never being alone. Truth learned was that until I was completely okay with ME, I realized I was alone while in these relationships. I point this out partially because now at age 41-years old, I am currently on my own; alone with me, myself and I.

Until recently, I was unclear as to what a healthy relationship consisted of so long as I had a boo, still lonely as hell with them. I still managed to have loved each one of them, including the ones who hurt me to my core (all of them).

In my learnings of myself, no relationship was as fulfilling as the one with myself and if this were a sermon, my relationship with God is amazing. I have both now and my life is great but it took lots of time and effort to get to this point. It wouldn’t be fair to me if I pretended that any of this was easy. It has been a difficult process. Ironically, for me, all the issues I mentioned above had to be revisited in the buildings of my relationship with God and MYSELF.

In short, I have been beat up by someone I once loved, I have been belittled, disrespected, embarrassed by being date-raped by someone I once loved. I realize this may sound horrible but, at the time, amid these relationships, it wasn’t so much horrible as it was normal. The normal rocky road of relationships. I mean, yes, there were moments I felt horrible; however, seemingly recovered rather quickly. I forgave a lot without pause. Desperation took me there. The problem came to surface when I felt like I was giving my all, despite the issues, and didn’t feel as though I had all of my mate. It was like, I had to always be the one to take responsibility for any wrong doing I may have done, but, when it came to the one hurting me, they always found some justification for it. I accepted it. Well guess what Kash? If a person gave you all of them, what are they left with for themselves? I thought the idea of giving all or nothing or getting all or nothing made for a great relationship. Now maybe, if we were to start talking marriage and the exchanging of vows, the details could change a bit.

I wanna focus a little on FOREGIVENESS. I recently finished reading a book that took some time to get through as I am not an avid reader. But, this book, Supernatural Relationships ~ How to Get Closer to the People You Care For by Ed Gungor, teaches the Godly way of dealing with all kinds of relationships. According to Ed, “forgiveness protects our lives from Satan’s strategy by violently opposing the evil that tries to enter after an offense comes.” Basically, by forgiving, I released to the negativity I was holding on to. (toward them and myself) I had to learn after years of dwelling on all the situations that had wronged me and the same for all things for which I wronged, it was time to forgive. Forgive others even if they did not ask to be forgiven. I had to forgive MYSELF as God already done, even if I did not know it. Point is, I learned this as another lesson in life.

This book struck several chords because it was these concepts I came to understand by listening to what my spirit was already telling me for I now know it was coming from a place where God reveals his purpose chosen for MY life. I am not afraid to listen to it now! I believe in ME and that includes all the shit I’ve been through. It is true that I have made many mistakes (some bigger than others) and that I had to understand where the choices I made came from that led to such mistakes. The negative Nancy in me. It’s okay to make mistakes as life will prompt them but what’s not okay is not taking the time to get to know myself to prevent repeats, if possible.

Having low self-esteem, society decorated beliefs, faux rules to every situation and a non-belief of self-worth were all ingredients to a recipe distasteful to me and God didn’t appreciate it very much, lol. He showed me just how so. I’ve cheated and been cheated on, I’ve been hurt and I have hurt, I’ve loved and been loved. A cycle in my life that has taught me so many things but most importantly is how not understanding forgiveness and not willing to give the opportunity to move on can make life quite miserable. Something else Ed said that resonated with me is, “the responsibility to heal broken relationships is not to be left to the one who wrinkled the relationship, but responsibility belongs to the one who is aware of the conflict.” That would-be ME. My issue shouldn’t be with those who chose to leave me for whatever their reasoning, my issue is how I allowed it to negatively affect my growth. A growth I already lacked.

Life lied to me when love didn’t love me. I was fooled into believing that my happiness depended on who could create it for me in my life, especially if I did all I could to make them happy. Silly? Stupid? Naïve? Nope, love!

It’s okay for now because God loves me and I love me too.

Yup, I searched for love and hoped-for love to find me.

Feel free to share this post or comment below. Thank you for visiting! Not sure what’s up next to post but here’s an idea, how about you suggest a topic. Is there something you want to be heard on? Everyone has their own take on experiences and how one chooses to deal or not with them.

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Life Lied…

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Life lied to me when:  From a little girl, I always felt different. If I could describe the days I remembered as a child in one word it would be fear. I was a scared little girl. But, scared in a different way; I behaved the opposite. Now I know that may seem weird. It was like the things I did, I was afraid of but did anyway and ended up hurt in a way that in my new life (presently) I am just understanding how.

I started drinking alcohol at the very young age of ten years old. Alcohol easily became my coping mechanism. Then sex. Then work. Then now. Life. I lived life the best I could just like everyone else, sometimes I felt like I had to go a little harder. Like average was never enough. I don’t know who said average wasn’t good enough for me, especially when it seems like I always ended up having to settle or had to be satisfied with below average. It made me feel some fucking way. Life made me feel like a fucking joke. Going so hard for shit never mounted out to anything other than pain and sorrow; disappointment, frustration and envy.

You ever feel like your life just ain’t shit. I mean of course, you have family; children and a job, relationships with good times. I mean YOUR life. MY life just always felt like I was just floating through a maze and I did the best I could with my choices and decisions. But c’mon, am I the only in the world who felt like something just wasn’t right. I’ve come across the stories of transgenders, who speak of a feeling of difference. I’ve heard of people with certain mental defects speak of some sort of difference in their way of choice. For me, I felt like my life wasn’t shit nor was I ever good enough; but, it wasn’t supposed to feel that way.

Other people’s lives always looked like they would come out better than me, even dealing with similar situations. They’d be struggling just like me and seem to have more or something of what I wanted for me and mines. Certainly, during these stages in my life, I didn’t understand it all. I was just floating. Never feeling the security of the ground beneath my feet. Always going extra hard to strive for the best. The best for me. The best apartments, clothes, jobs, kids, bank account. The best relationships. For ME. Somehow, it got turned into the best for others. In my mind that is. I tried to be the best forever other than me. The best mom. The best daughter. The best sibling. The best student. The best girlfriend. The best employee. You get the idea, rite? I enjoyed the ride. It became the normal, just a way of life. I wanted to do most of what I did; however, it wasn’t the best of me. It was what I thought was the best I could give. Whatever the fuck that means. Anyway, moving forward, I will share the difference. I am now living in the best version of me, a better me. I’m still learning because we will always learning something each day. Why? Or How? You may wonder, well, it’s because it’s a new day that we aren’t able to predict. I didn’t know how good it feels or better it feels being ME. For ME. I am taking the time to learn about me, reflecting on the me I used to be versus now. It’s crazy similar; however, just knowing it’s about me, feels incredible.  

I’ve written various pieces describing many different stages in my life and lessons I have learned. As I continue to share, it will become evident that what I thought my life would be and what I always worked toward turned out to be nothing as I imagined. Yet, it did. And, what I’ve learned in whole is life lied to me but God didn’t.

Have you realized life lessons are powerful? care to share any of your life lessons?

Next will be about some relationship shit I have learned. Now I got stories for days but I will keep it real and brief.

Blessings,

 KTM

Time!

Time makes things happen. When time is of its essence, the power then becomes yours. If time did not exist; neither did you.

Have you ever noticed that, if it weren’t for time spent doing something, whatever that is, it’s not until then that you know or not know.

I spent all my life running toward what I believed to be the good life. Success, riches, love…Really?

I spent all my life running away from darkness, pain, defeat. It wasn’t until my moments of stillness, that I became enriched with the knowing and that of the not knowing for which I was running.

Time revealed I was running. He granted me time. To gain an understanding of my existence, belonging to be mine. Time is the gift and that of what I’ve become. By which time is the reward. Including the effort, the running, all that was hard. The reward to myself, the reward to those around me, the reward reverted back to him, that of ME.

Thank you is all I can give; at least I thought. I thought wrong. How is that possible? Because without the understanding of time, it’s difficult to understand anything else.

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Do Not Despair Courage, bravery, boldness are substances impregnating your dense dark blood. You don’t learn them. You don’t earn them. Perseverance and patience, are learnt through pain and wounds. Fight is not about running with a sword on your… Continue Reading → The post Do not despair | Finding Inner Courage and Boldness appeared…

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Self-Awareness

Hey guys, this is how the start of my new happily ever after began.

There could be a million different reasons as to why a person can want to live a different lifestyle from their own. Perhaps, the lifestyle they have become accustomed to no longer fulfills them or maybe the change was forced upon them. It doesn’t really matter what the reasoning is; the choice is yours.

My personal experience has led me to the practicing of self-awareness.

By definition self-awareness is the conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives, and desires.  I found this great article that explains the process in full details. Hope you find it helpful.  Self-Awareness has been a huge key to the transformation of my life.

As most of you have learned through some of my previous posts, I have been challenged with both mental & physical Illness, including losing my ability to walk. Depression has been a big struggle for me over the years. Medication therapy, psychotherapy and support groups are most effective when you commit to them. I never did. Some will say I brought the struggles on myself because help was available. Here was my problem: I didn’t even feel worth the effort. It didn’t matter if help was or wasn’t available; I never committed. I suffered with low self-esteem, lack of confidence and an overall negative outlook on life. I did not feel I was worth the effort. My relationships paid the price. How?  I was dependent upon others to provide me with self-worth. Sounds crazy, rite? Well it was easy. I looked for love, happiness and joy from others, such as my daughter. I felt I wasn’t capable of creating these emotions or experience them without the need of others. The funniest thing about it is that although the people closest to me tried to make me happy, it was never enough for me. I couldn’t seem to reach a sense of satisfaction. I was so hungry for love and happiness that it didn’t occur to me until more recently that the missing piece was self-love. I didn’t love myself and that is a steep hole to fill. My daughter has been the only one to love me unconditionally and I use “unconditionally” lightly. She had no problem with snapping me back to earth whenever I acted out in her presence. She would not allow me to embarrass either one of us, especially her. ☺ I love my daughter so much.

Self-love is important. How else can you fully love another without loving yourself?

Feel free to like, share or comment. All are welcomed!

*Smiles and blessings to us all.

My Life with Neuropathy

Hey guys, I know it has been forever since my last post but I promise it was all worth it. I needed to take some time to focus in on ME. I was feeling a little misguided and it caused me to panic. I have a high level of anxiety that I am working out now.

Anyhow, I decided to share what my life has been like living with Peripheral Neuropathy and how my dreams are really coming true. Seriously!

Here is:

Finding My Purpose

Yesterday, I remember wanting to seek out a reason why I was so hesitant to video stream a message of hope. Today, I’ve learned that I am still a work in progress and until I build that confidence, I can still share with you.

As I am in self-reflection mode, getting to know the real me; I think I love myself. I love ME! This may sound silly but I don’t recall a single time I may have felt that way about myself. Maybe some of you know just what I’m talking about. I used to did shit for people all the time. I simply did it just because. I helped anyone in any way I could because it took the focus off of myself. I really loved helping and although help was available to me as well; I couldn’t see it.

Life is not about what you want it to be; it’s about what you make it to be.

I decided to share my story because I hope to help someone who may need to hear it. Someone who needs to know that they are truly not alone. There are all types of support available if you just open your heart and your mind to it. Simple right? Hell no, it wasn’t; my life has been brutal. There were challenges I never would have wished on anyone. So I am here today to share with you how I found my purpose.

Here and you can comment or ask questions, offer suggestions or share an experience you would like to hear a different point of view from me. Someone who has been there and done that with a lot of different topics. (Not ALL topics but MANY)

I started a support group but we more than just an offering of support; it is a place where we share a terrible commonality and we share our experiences living in chronic pain provide different perspectives of a subject. My goal was to create a virtual meeting place where we could discuss ourselves and it then becomes a positive distraction. It allows us to vent and listen to others. In fact, most of the time during our one hour meets, we aren’t focused on our pain. Very importantly, we respect our individual views and interpretations.

It feels great to be meeting so many beautiful people who just need a little extra support.

So here’s a question. We love others right? Some unconditionally, but how many of us actually love ourselves. How many of you ever took the time to get to know yourselves as an adult. I think its safe to say that your not the same at age 27 that you were when you were 13. Most anyways. 🙂 It’s a fascinating experience when you take some time to reflect on your likes and dislikes, your morale, your beliefs. As we go through life we learn new things damn near everyday. We grow.

I can’t wait to share the process of finding my purpose. This will include my experiences with Chronic Pain/Illness (includes depression), my 20+ jobs, love & relationships, family, self-image and much more. So if you are in a place in life that you are not satisfied with, I will share how I completely turned my life into what I wanted it to be. Join me next time as I share some serious lessons learned and how they relate to who I am today.

Blessings to you all!  Remember to keep loving yourselves.

Another Day Still Fighting

Hey guys!  Today is another one of those days on the battlefield, the battlefield of LIFE.

It’s no secret that I have decided to share the intimate details of my journey. I have admitted to struggling with the stability of my mental health as well as the decline in my physical abilities due to Peripheral Neuropathy otherwise known as nerve damage.

As I have been trying to take positive approaches towards bettering my life and gaining a confidence in the changes taking place, it has been extremely difficult fighting against the evils of giving up. I wish there were an easy way to transform oneself but the reality is there isn’t. My reality may be familiar or similar to many others and I try to connect with people to communicate helpful conversation. A conversation of hope but it doesn’t seem to be working.

So I shall continue to write. I will write what my heart chooses to say.

Tonight I am hurting. I am frustrated by the fact that my neuropathy is progressing faster than my mental can process it. I try to live by my message of optimism and never to give up but I am human. I am weakening. I ask God for the strength and endurance to get through my storms. I will write in hopes of relief. My words may or may not make much sense at times. The shitty thing about it all is that life at times doesn’t make much sense. Is there anyone out there who feel the same? Is there anyone out there who falls into the pit of darkness? I find myself begging for just a flicker of light in my darkness. I know it gets better but I just wish my better moments were more consistent. Is it okay to just sit in sorrow sometimes? The fight gets exhausting. People tell me all the time to keep fighting but sometimes I just rather not. I guess this is normal. What does that even mean? Normal? There is nothing normal about hating yourself one minute and trying to not the next. Oh yea, could that be the BiPolar in me? Maybe.

My next post will most likely be different than this one. Or not!

If you feel like saying something, please do. You MATTER!