Tag Archives: self-improvement

A loud thought…

Yesterday I had a loud thought. It was recognizable and had happened plenty of times but yesterday I decided to listen out loud. Now, this may sound–well I don’t know how it sounds; it happened. God spoke to me. It was the continuation of talk that began with me the moment I was born. It’s just a few years recent that I was delivered to hear that of which. It’s super hard to describe. It leaves you feeling super high. A natural HIGH. Whenever this experience takes place, it feels like I can take on the world. Does that really mean take on the world? No, certainly not, but it does mean that I already have what I need to progress in the life that is meant for me. How do I know this? Because I can feel it and see it and now share it. Ironically, the experience sounds similar to the high I experienced in the past living with Bipolar.

But this is different. Profoundly different.

Because of this voice, I have gotten to know myself again. It has allowed me to re-enter a personal growth mindset, a passion for learning and this lesson is all about “bringing it down a notch.”

The short version is best explained as I wish I had known then what I know now. Sound familiar? Well, the fact is I know now what I didn’t know then. When we listen, we learn. While life has me fighting against so many odds, I am somehow still alive and it feels amazing to have been blessed with such mercy. I may not be a guru of any kind; however, I am being led to the sharing of lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Here’s what’s so funny. Until now, I have been trying to figure out how to build a bigger following? How do I get people to take me seriously and more importantly, how can I get people to want to get to know me?Well, according to most branding, startup business videos, blogs, etc., I’ve been researching, these questions to self are more common than not. Truth is, the only time I feel like I am enough is when I hear the message and yes I understand how odd that may seem to some. It is what it is. I am a work in progress and my self-esteem, confidence and self-worth still get tested at times.

Let me put it this way, we all have this capability. We can all live purposed, fulfilling lives. To whom shall your life be fulfilling to/for? I had to ask myself that question over and over because something just wasn’t right. Keep reading…

Back to bringing it down a notch; I am learning:  1. I don’t have to go so hard for people to know who I am. 2. I accept the fact that some reading this may not be interested in getting to know me at all. 3. It’s okay if I am not as popular on social media. And lastly, 4. It’s okay for me to still be me; a servant of God.

I can now say with confidence that I am living my dreamed life. A dreamed life I wasn’t confident of before. I am a storyteller and these are the lessons of my story. If I can be living proof of how He will do it then I know it has all been His will.

Here is a piece I hope you enjoy. As always, I thank you for visiting and your likes, shares and comments are appreciated.

A busy mind leads me to exhaustion.

A broken body exhausts me just as much.

At the end of the day, I yearn for a satisfying reasoning why.

Achy fingers and feet to painful to touch.

No one knows me, No one cares and yet I still work towards that unknown life.

A life to be free. Free to live. Free to need. Free to want. Free to help.

So that becomes the answer. A satisfying reason to my why.

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Life Lied…

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Life lied to me when:  From a little girl, I always felt different. If I could describe the days I remembered as a child in one word it would be fear. I was a scared little girl. But, scared in a different way; I behaved the opposite. Now I know that may seem weird. It was like the things I did, I was afraid of but did anyway and ended up hurt in a way that in my new life (presently) I am just understanding how.

I started drinking alcohol at the very young age of ten years old. Alcohol easily became my coping mechanism. Then sex. Then work. Then now. Life. I lived life the best I could just like everyone else, sometimes I felt like I had to go a little harder. Like average was never enough. I don’t know who said average wasn’t good enough for me, especially when it seems like I always ended up having to settle or had to be satisfied with below average. It made me feel some fucking way. Life made me feel like a fucking joke. Going so hard for shit never mounted out to anything other than pain and sorrow; disappointment, frustration and envy.

You ever feel like your life just ain’t shit. I mean of course, you have family; children and a job, relationships with good times. I mean YOUR life. MY life just always felt like I was just floating through a maze and I did the best I could with my choices and decisions. But c’mon, am I the only in the world who felt like something just wasn’t right. I’ve come across the stories of transgenders, who speak of a feeling of difference. I’ve heard of people with certain mental defects speak of some sort of difference in their way of choice. For me, I felt like my life wasn’t shit nor was I ever good enough; but, it wasn’t supposed to feel that way.

Other people’s lives always looked like they would come out better than me, even dealing with similar situations. They’d be struggling just like me and seem to have more or something of what I wanted for me and mines. Certainly, during these stages in my life, I didn’t understand it all. I was just floating. Never feeling the security of the ground beneath my feet. Always going extra hard to strive for the best. The best for me. The best apartments, clothes, jobs, kids, bank account. The best relationships. For ME. Somehow, it got turned into the best for others. In my mind that is. I tried to be the best forever other than me. The best mom. The best daughter. The best sibling. The best student. The best girlfriend. The best employee. You get the idea, rite? I enjoyed the ride. It became the normal, just a way of life. I wanted to do most of what I did; however, it wasn’t the best of me. It was what I thought was the best I could give. Whatever the fuck that means. Anyway, moving forward, I will share the difference. I am now living in the best version of me, a better me. I’m still learning because we will always learning something each day. Why? Or How? You may wonder, well, it’s because it’s a new day that we aren’t able to predict. I didn’t know how good it feels or better it feels being ME. For ME. I am taking the time to learn about me, reflecting on the me I used to be versus now. It’s crazy similar; however, just knowing it’s about me, feels incredible.  

I’ve written various pieces describing many different stages in my life and lessons I have learned. As I continue to share, it will become evident that what I thought my life would be and what I always worked toward turned out to be nothing as I imagined. Yet, it did. And, what I’ve learned in whole is life lied to me but God didn’t.

Have you realized life lessons are powerful? care to share any of your life lessons?

Next will be about some relationship shit I have learned. Now I got stories for days but I will keep it real and brief.

Blessings,

 KTM

Time!

Time makes things happen. When time is of its essence, the power then becomes yours. If time did not exist; neither did you.

Have you ever noticed that, if it weren’t for time spent doing something, whatever that is, it’s not until then that you know or not know.

I spent all my life running toward what I believed to be the good life. Success, riches, love…Really?

I spent all my life running away from darkness, pain, defeat. It wasn’t until my moments of stillness, that I became enriched with the knowing and that of the not knowing for which I was running.

Time revealed I was running. He granted me time. To gain an understanding of my existence, belonging to be mine. Time is the gift and that of what I’ve become. By which time is the reward. Including the effort, the running, all that was hard. The reward to myself, the reward to those around me, the reward reverted back to him, that of ME.

Thank you is all I can give; at least I thought. I thought wrong. How is that possible? Because without the understanding of time, it’s difficult to understand anything else.

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Do Not Despair Courage, bravery, boldness are substances impregnating your dense dark blood. You don’t learn them. You don’t earn them. Perseverance and patience, are learnt through pain and wounds. Fight is not about running with a sword on your… Continue Reading → The post Do not despair | Finding Inner Courage and Boldness appeared…

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