Tag Archives: short stories

My Life with Neuropathy

Hey guys, I know it has been forever since my last post but I promise it was all worth it. I needed to take some time to focus in on ME. I was feeling a little misguided and it caused me to panic. I have a high level of anxiety that I am working out now.

Anyhow, I decided to share what my life has been like living with Peripheral Neuropathy and how my dreams are really coming true. Seriously!

Here is:

Finding My Purpose

Yesterday, I remember wanting to seek out a reason why I was so hesitant to video stream a message of hope. Today, I’ve learned that I am still a work in progress and until I build that confidence, I can still share with you.

As I am in self-reflection mode, getting to know the real me; I think I love myself. I love ME! This may sound silly but I don’t recall a single time I may have felt that way about myself. Maybe some of you know just what I’m talking about. I used to did shit for people all the time. I simply did it just because. I helped anyone in any way I could because it took the focus off of myself. I really loved helping and although help was available to me as well; I couldn’t see it.

Life is not about what you want it to be; it’s about what you make it to be.

I decided to share my story because I hope to help someone who may need to hear it. Someone who needs to know that they are truly not alone. There are all types of support available if you just open your heart and your mind to it. Simple right? Hell no, it wasn’t; my life has been brutal. There were challenges I never would have wished on anyone. So I am here today to share with you how I found my purpose.

Here and you can comment or ask questions, offer suggestions or share an experience you would like to hear a different point of view from me. Someone who has been there and done that with a lot of different topics. (Not ALL topics but MANY)

I started a support group but we more than just an offering of support; it is a place where we share a terrible commonality and we share our experiences living in chronic pain provide different perspectives of a subject. My goal was to create a virtual meeting place where we could discuss ourselves and it then becomes a positive distraction. It allows us to vent and listen to others. In fact, most of the time during our one hour meets, we aren’t focused on our pain. Very importantly, we respect our individual views and interpretations.

It feels great to be meeting so many beautiful people who just need a little extra support.

So here’s a question. We love others right? Some unconditionally, but how many of us actually love ourselves. How many of you ever took the time to get to know yourselves as an adult. I think its safe to say that your not the same at age 27 that you were when you were 13. Most anyways. 🙂 It’s a fascinating experience when you take some time to reflect on your likes and dislikes, your morale, your beliefs. As we go through life we learn new things damn near everyday. We grow.

I can’t wait to share the process of finding my purpose. This will include my experiences with Chronic Pain/Illness (includes depression), my 20+ jobs, love & relationships, family, self-image and much more. So if you are in a place in life that you are not satisfied with, I will share how I completely turned my life into what I wanted it to be. Join me next time as I share some serious lessons learned and how they relate to who I am today.

Blessings to you all!  Remember to keep loving yourselves.

Contradictions! Annoying?

Hey guys, hope all is well!

Today I am sharing some of life’s contradictions I have found to be annoying and confusing. As I have decided to share personal experiences with you all, these are my personal opinions. I am in no way judging anyone or anyone’s way of thinking. We are all works in progress, myself included, and so if you find contradiction in anything I post then that is my intended point. Here we go:

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#1  There are so many messages circulating the world about not giving up. “Never give up on your dreams.” “Keep Pushing.”  Well what about the sayings of, “Know when to throw the towel in.” “Enough is Enough.” Oh, and my favorite “Knowing when to walk away is wisdom. Being able to is Courage.”  Now I’m not sure about anyone else but this confusing the hell out of me. As I am trying my damnedest to hold on and keep fighting the good fight. I am trying to pursue a journey of success that I never thought was possible. But because of those sayings of, “If you could Imagine it, You could Achieve it.” “Never give up Dreaming.”  I feel as though I am on a hamster wheel. Chasing my own tail. I have prayed on it and truly believe I am supposed to be doing a good service to others by sharing my personal experiences of beating the odds and overcoming some difficult life challenges. To help others who may be trapped in their darkness. I must admit, this shit is exhausting. I am drained and it doesn’t seem as if anyone care what I must say, let alone is inspired in anyway. So, my question is, do I throw the towel in? It wouldn’t necessarily be due to giving up but more so saving myself from destruction. I am wearing myself out trying to be a voice for those of unheard voices. Are you depressed, newly disabled or just feel like no one sees you, hear you? I don’t think I am the only one who fits the bill but I could always be wrong. I shouldn’t give up just because it seems as if nothing is happening, rite? I never know who is watching and maybe I am here for a reason not yet revealed to me as I thought it was.

#2   Next we have “Never say Never.” Ummmm, if I’m not mistaken, this refers to anything being possible. To never say what you won’t do or won’t say because you may someday find yourself doing it or saying it, rite? Sooooo, if I am never to give up then how in the heck am I supposed to know when to walk away. This is a similar confusion as mentioned in #1. Help me out folks, let’s talk about it. Now don’t get it twisted, I am a believer of all these especially never say never. Example: I NEVER thought I would have written a book and people have actually read it and thought it was pretty damn great. Whoa! Me? Really? YES me, I wrote a fuckin book. A story of both weakness and strength! The Triumph In Me.

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#3   This is recap of a previous post I did on life’s contradictions. Maybe you’d agree or maybe you won’t. It’s okay; that’s what makes us different, rite?

There are no special instructions on how to cope with the extremes of life but there are certain remedies that can lessen the mass affects.

I have found that prayer is the #1 key to my life. I am not about to preach the word however I am a witness to its glory. Life is hard, it’s just that simple but if we learn to utilize some hardcore combat, it can be quite enjoyable too.

Selflessness for starters can take you a long way. The idea of treating others the way you would want to be treated is an important aspect but it tends to get lost within our typical behavior. If you can consider helping another individual, no matter how direct or indirect it may be, without regard to reciprocation, I can assure you, that help will find its way back around in some shape or form. Karma you may call it, that saying of “what goes around comes back around”, yes, I believe in that saying however its plenty of old wise tales that go hand in hand for instance, “you reap what you sow” or how about “every dog has its day”, so keep these old wise tales in mind when making decisions in life.

Selfishness is that behavior that can make or break you in a sense, it is a very fine line not to cross, so be careful. Remember that “God only helps those who help themselves,” they say, but that’s a fine line because he is so merciful that he will be of rescue despite of, however you must know that you have to look out for yourself first before you can expect the next person to follow suit. If you can learn that loving yourself is as worthy as loving another including your children, then life’s perception will be that much more clear to see. Yes, I said love yourself even before your children because a parent that does not love themselves will impact the lives of their children in ways that aren’t always positive and although these impacts are not intentional will not make them nonexistent. Same case for your partner in life be it a spouse or just a significant other, ask yourself “how can you possibly expect to have a healthy relationship when you are not even healthy enough to love yourself?”
Today, we see all kinds of contradictions in our entertainment, politics and education. I am not in the best position to speak on all the details of such, I will leave that to all the other blogs out there that somehow specialize in those areas. I will say though we are blinded by this stuff and easily to forget how our own minds and the resulted behavior of which we live day to day becomes insulting, demeaning and subliminally destructive. We destruct the hope and possibilities of sustaining healthy, fulfilling, enjoyable lives.

Now there may be many to disagree or feel as though without an extended education or have earned a mastering degree, who the hell am I to speak to such manners. Well I am me, and I am living a life in this world we all were born into and so I have earned a degree in “LIFE” and these are my personal opinions and my voice in which I choose not to leave unheard any longer.  I am finally taking ownership and responsibility of myself and who I once was and now have become, we all are a work in progress and must recognize that and learn to appreciate it as well.

Your voice, rightfully given to you. It is the tool in life of which you should want to learn its value if you haven’t already. Respect yourself and others no matter what because once respect is lost anything goes from that point. Just think a minute how you treat those you have no respect for, how you speak to them, how you view them, how they lost their creditability with you. Now imagine you not having respect for yourself and the behaviors others may inflict on you. Not so pretty rite?

As I share my story with you, there will be moments when you will say that I’ve contradicted myself during various times in my life and that my parenting may even seem contradicting as well, but hey that’s the way of the world, life is full of contradictions, so before you pass judgment on me, I suggest you clean your mirror off most importantly and then take a glimpse in it.

As life taught me its lessons and as I learned what faith was, I passed it along to my only born child and as you follow my story, our story, it will become apparent that this bond between mother and child was created in such a way that it is not easily understood by many. God created us and our story before we fleshly existed and so it has come to me that who am I to be “selfish” and not share the power of his glory. This is my “selfless” duty.

When my destiny became visible to me, I always thought my daughter was my reason for existing until I learned and grew as a person. Now I know she is just part of me. Not all of me. I will share my experiences, the lessons taught to me and the impact of such. It is my hopes you find this story not only inspiring but also necessary. It will depict how even when faced with the most challenging obstacles, we must fight like hell and continue. We all have our stories of our lives and it is these stories that make the world what it is…So if we can be mindful of what and how we perceive life to be and follow through with positive mannerism, maybe, just maybe things can be different.williamarthurward110017

If you are one who thinks no one cares or is interested in anything you have to say, I do!

Feel free to leave your comments below. If its worth you sharing then by all means pass it along on your social media. Until we meet again guys! Thank you for visiting!

Changing My Song

Hey guys, today I decided to try something a little different. Is there anyone else out there sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of singing the same old sad song? Seeking a better way to lighten the mental load of despair? Lord knows I fall under this category of questions. Well, let’s see if I can manage to sing a different tune.

Today I am thankful; thankful to recognize all the rights to some of my wrongs. Although I am still a work in progress, I have come a long way. I am thankful for that. As we are closing out the year 2016, I would like to highlight a few things that will hopefully make my 2017 a bit more tolerable.

My spirit of belief has grown tremendously. I had a hard time believing in myself, believing that I could do the impossibles that existed in my world of reality. I’ve learned this year that the world I created to be my reality had been isolated from the world of others I share the universe with. I had to learn that there was so much more to look to than what I had became accustomed to knowing. A world of dreams, goals and aspirations. I now realize how I have been so selfish to my potential self by not believing there was a world bigger than my own.

My mental health still suffers from my own ignorance. I chose to think I had the mental capacity to guide my footsteps in life. The thought that I can ignore medication therapy and all will be well. The thought that I could ignore the need of psychotherapy and all will be well. The thought that if I can just accept the fact that I share my being with a diagnosis of BiPolar Depression, all would be well. Bullshit rite? It takes more than just my thoughts of or acceptance of for all to be well; for me to be well. I am thankful that despite my moments of weakness, I haven’t attempted to take my own life. 

My physical abilities have declined significantly during this past year. I am now convinced that the use of a wheelchair is in my best interest. My doctors have previous certified me wheelchair approved but it took a while for that to digest. I continued to struggle to walk and have had a few falls along the way. I am now in acceptance to using a wheelchair to get around. I have installed a shower transfer bench to ensure I not fall in the shower anymore. Major safety issue. One of those thankfuls I’d like to express. I am thankful that despite my own ignorant negligence, I have escaped major injury from numerous shower falls. 

This neuropathy thing is probably the most disturbing circumstance of all. It was one thing to get used to the fucked up feeling of a continuing numbness and painful ordeal taking place in my lower legs and feet but now my hands are suffering as well. I no longer have feeling in my fingertips and my fingers themselves feel as if they are jammed in a door sometimes. Pain in my hands and fingers are now included on my long list of all that’s wrong in my life. But as I mentioned earlier this post will not focus on the wrongs but clearly I had to lay some of them out just to get the point across. Surely enough to emphasize how I am thankful to it all. 

My personal life, well let’s just say it gets a little lonely being alone. I know it was my own choice to not date and block out any thoughts of intimacy but gee whiz. I must admit my past relationships have been quite interesting and when I reflect back after having adjusted my perception, boy o boy, what was I thinking? How did my mates last as long as they did? I was a piece of work, yup, a load to deal with. We had our great moments sure but uh, yea, I guess I don’t blame them for not fighting me on separating. I have learned to live this thing alone, on my own with the help of getting through it from family especially my daughter. She has been exceptionally supportive and will always remain my biggest motivator. I am thankful to have such a wonderful daughter.

Without turning this into a short story. Funny, coming from a person who these days are becoming known as an author; which brings me to the publishing of my 1st book titled, The Triumph In Me, during this year. Still in awe about that whole situation, I must mention it. I am again still learning to accept that God had placed certain gifts in me as he did for all of us. I didn’t believe in myself enough to know that I was inclusive in such blessings. But yes, I am blessed and oh so thankful for being made aware of my gifts, one which happens to be that of writing. It may even be considered quite remarkable how such an individual going through all these mental and physical changes managed to push out a BOOK. Maybe to some it may not be so remarkable but here’s the gist to that, the whole point of it all. You ready? Well it really doesn’t MATTER what others think of or view of the idea; as long as I know what I’ve been through, still going through and what it took to accomplish such a deed. An effort to find my purpose and pursue it. A lesson I learned while writing; I do have a purpose in my life and lives of others. I am a survivor, who chooses to share personal experiences in an effort to help others like me realize their potential. I am thankful for finally believing in ME.

That’s all for now! Stay tuned for my next post where I’m thinking of pointing out some of the contradictions in life I’ve noticed thus far on my journey to self-discovery.

As always thank you for visiting me and if you have something to say; please comment below.

I appreciate your time.

 

 

 

Reviews? New Book Cover

Hey guys, just wanted to pop in and share my new book cover for the next book I am working on.

Also for any of you who have taken the time and dime to check out THE TRIUMPH IN ME I would love your feedback. All reviews are an important part of a writer’s process. I appreciate it so much!

Coming Soon ~ THE TRIUMPH IN HER ~ Parable of Destiny

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Sharing my TRIUMPH

Hey guys, I have decided to share this piece which was written just a short time ago and published on a fellow blog. Feel free to share your found TRIUMPHS! We all have them within us and I bet you do too.

When life has you feeling defeated; What do you do?

My name is Kashinda and becoming disabled, I never imagined having to adjust my life for anything other than my daughter.  My entire adult life has always been about parenting. I raised my daughter, Asia now age 21 years old, as a single mother and for many others like us, it has been quite the journey. I’m sure many would agree that life is unpredictable and there are many challenges, obstacles that we never expect to take place. As the saying goes, “Never say never.”

We as parents must learn to adapt to any situation placed before us despite our knowledge thereof, we strive to protect our young.

I have always had to adapt. I went from being a hard working single mom to a vulnerable, sickly woman. My daughter witnessed a decline in her mother’s health that resulted in a drastic change in our lives’.

A benign, yet aggressive brain tumor shook our world. Before its finding, I experienced many disabling physical and mental changes. I was grateful when the tumor was finally detected after two years of medical mystery. I was bed ridden, my days were spent in an intolerable amount of bodily pain and my nights were spent in tears wondering why. I underwent four brain surgeries to get that tumor nipped in the bud. Each time was just as traumatic as the first.

Nevertheless, I feel blessed to have been able to overcome such life altering circumstances. I am here today to share some of my life experiences in hopes to inspire someone who may also feel like they were cheated by some unexpected obstacle that has left them stuck, only hanging on by a thread; that thread is the “WHY?”

But I’m here to let you know you can reclaim your life with what you have, regardless of what it is. If you are blessed to witness a new day on earth, then you already have within you what it takes to live on. We must learn to not focus on what we don’t have and focus on using what we do have to get what we want. There is of course a fine line to that motto. Be careful to keep it on a positive note.

We must understand that our way of thinking plays a huge part in how we move and shake in this world. I was taught by the powers that be, that we are all works in progress. Certain lessons in life have led me to the gifts given to me like creativity, leadership and the gift of gab. I took these things that were free and I am now my daughter’s talent manager, an author of my debut novel entitled, The Triumph In Me and business co-owner of 4Lane Publications.

Tread lightly while leaving strong footprints. It is our stories of life we are creating each and every day. Learn to turn your troubles into triumphs.

Kashinda T. Marche

 

My Process: As promised

 

FINAL COVER

 

So as promised, this Self Publishing journey has been quite the ride and it is still progressing.
It all began as a single thought; more like a question. I found myself questioning my life. With everything I had been going through health wise, mentally and emotionally. The question posed was, “What am I still here for?” or “What is my purpose?” I am sure I am not the only one who has ever posed these questions on themselves, but I was truly lost. I felt like I had raised my daughter well enough to where she can pursue her life with some provided fundamental tools. Because she was all my life had been about, I no longer am able to be in the workforce, I have decided to not be in any intimate relationships, now what?
In the midst of these questions being raised, a single thought struck me; which led to more thoughts. After continuous prayer, I came to the conclusion that I must share. Sharing is caring they say and since I care about people, here I am.
We all have experiences that we go through in life, some preventable and some inevitable. It is our duty to recognize what God created us to become whatever it is he willed for us. Sometimes it takes a whole lot of life to get us to that point. If and when he grants you that day, it is a sense of clarity almost indescribable. I’d like to consider it enlightenment.
I began writing because there was so much built up emotion about various situations; it caused a creative flow that I couldn’t turn off. My head and my heart was soooo heavy. He did that. He made me this way for a reason and so I began to share.
When I was asked what inspired me. My answer was simple, LIFE is what inspired me. What my life has been about. What my life has not been about. How is it that I am still here while others I have lost are not. Other lives around me. Other lives I know nothing about. My point is there were so many things to draw from and it took him to show me.
My 1st book THE TRIUMPH IN ME, focuses on a young girl with a negative perception, she didn’t even realize that’s what it was til later during her adult years. Her life was filled with challenge after challenge after challenge as most others’ lives are, however, this particular young lady had her unique journey that God created just for her and so she shares her life experiences.
As the author I combined lots of devastating issues not easily spoken about because I hoped to make my debut by delivering a powerful message to inspire those who may need some inspiration in their lives. I must admit I wasn’t completely sure if I was on the right track by writing but it looks as if I was, I am on the right track because it brings me joy to write for others to absorb. Does any of that make sense?
Here are the steps I took on my continuing journey as a self published author:

Figure out why do you want to write. What do you want to write about? And start writing. Keep in mind that when you begin writing, it may or may not make any sense. Keep writing.
Begin to mention what it is that you find yourself writing about or how it feels to be writing period. Maybe a blog or a notebook or straight to your pc, your choice.
I started with this blog with you all. I’ve made some pretty good contact with people who were able to relate to what was pouring from my heart. It actually encouraged me to keep going. There were many times I felt way outta my league; then someone I never even met had something to say about something I had written, that touched them. It was those little things that pushed me right along.
As my writing process continued, I began researching. I googled all types of stuff relating to the writing process all the way to publishing options. I watched so many Youtube videos. Here are links to some of my favs: VIDEO #1    VIDEO #2     VIDEO #3     VIDEO #4

It’s amazing how many people go through the very same things you go through all at different points of life, different parts of the world, all background types, like its crazy what you find when you take the time to look.
Once I was able to organize all the thoughts I had written, it became more like a story. I added and deleted, added and deleted some more. Before I knew it, I had a short story of about 10,000 words, and it made sense. I had my daughter, a friend of hers and a friend of mine read it. They were like “Oh my gosh, you wrote a story?” I was like, “I don’t know, did I?” And so that my friends is how I ended up with a 1st draft of my book.
Now you guys who have been following me for a while know that I am physically challenged and so I must take intermissions. I will continue the details of my journey on another post. Stay tuned! Oh yeah, let me know your thoughts so far by commenting below. Talk to me guys, I wanna interact with you. I promise I am a nice person. 🙂

PaperBack Now Available!!!

Well guys here we are!  Again you all know how much I appreciate you visiting me here. Many many thanks to anyone who has or will be purchasing my book. The link is:

PURCHASE THE PAPERBACK!

Now that the process of book #1 is at its completion, I will be sharing in great detail how this process has been.  So stay tuned for that.

As a bonus I am inviting you to join in on the official launch via FaceBook Live!

Here is the link to the invite: LIVE LAUNCH EVENT!!!

I will be answering questions and explaining the back story of creating the characters and such.  It’s gonna be awesome but here is a secret Shhhhh!  I’m totally terrified of being on camera.  Soooooo come on by!

 

That’s all for now!  Share Share Share to social media…Thanks!!!!

Meet Isabella

Meet Isabella:

Isabella is visually impaired

When she looks in the mirror

She sees nothing

People:  “You’re so beautiful; your skin so milky smooth. Just the right hint of honey.

Your complexion, the perfect shade, the perfect tone, the perfect hue.

Your hair is healthy, voluminous, the perfect wave pattern.

Every feature of your face perfectly sculpted.”

Isabella you also have a heart of gold, you’re just beautiful.”

When Isabella was asked, “What’s the one thing you would wish for if wishes came true?”

Isabella:  “I wish to look in the mirror and see the beauty of me; the beauty you see of me.

I see beautiful people around me all the time. I want to see my beauty.”

Isabella is not blind. She can very well see.

Why do you think Isabella doesn’t see her own beauty if people tell her all the time how beautiful she is?

***This is a fictional character. Not intended to reflect anyone who so happen name is Isabella.***

Short Story by Kashinda T. Marche        All rights reserved.

 

COMING SOON!!!!

Book Update:  I have changed courses in regards to my book. Yes, I was offered a publishing contract. After careful consideration, I have chosen to decline the offer. Maybe it was foolish of me given the fact that I have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to Self-Publishing. It just didn’t seem like the publisher took my story as serious as it calls for. This isn’t your typical urban fiction. It speaks a very necessary message during these tough times. Not to mention the enormous courage and strength coming from a disabled person.  I prayed on it and feel as though if it is meant to be, it will be. Now yes I did put the 1st part of the book out myself and received a few amazing reviews. Soooo I added more content and this re-release is gonna be awesome. So yea that’s the update. I will continue to keep you guys poted on the progress.  Here is a brief description along with the Synopsis and the revised cover.  Let me know what you all think. I appreciate any and all feedback.  Much thanks!!

Book Cover (final)

The Triumph In Me is both relatable and inspiring. This story reads as an urban fiction narrative which takes you on the journey of one young woman’s troubled life.  It takes place in the inner city beginning in the late 1980’s and forward; a time of her teenage years through her adulthood. She battles with mental illness as well as other health challenges while raising her daughter as a single mom. Tharisse, the main character reflects on her discretions in order to find peace with the negativity built up inside.  She opens up and shares some of her deepest inner thoughts and feelings towards the mistakes she later decides to own up to. I, as the author, welcome you into the life of Tharisse.  Join in on her journey to self-discovery as she reveals her shocking truth.  It will empower the reader to take on their very own life challenges giving hope for a better tomorrow.

 

Synopsis:  Tharisse, a young African American woman having grown up in the urban streets of NJ, finds herself on a path of self-discovery. Raised by a difficult mother and a stepfather she despises, Tharisse feels as though her image of a man was tainted from the start.  She searched for love apparently in all the wrong places.

In addition to the many challenges Tharisse faced in life including being diagnosed with HIV at age 19, she was forced to raise her only daughter Destiny alone. Eugene, Destiny’s father disappeared from their lives, which leaves Tharisse the need to make decisions on how to move on with her life.

Discover how this mother turned her troubles into triumphs…How did she free herself from the turmoil that took place within her? How did her navigation through the many struggles of life affect the up-bringing of Destiny?   Tharisse invites you into her world as she shares her journey of learning to own her truth. This urban drama was inspired by true life events.

All rights reserved.

Please support by sharing to your social media!  Also follow me on Twitter@kashkash7650

Networking

Networking can be a daunting task. Meeting new people. Building relationships with like-minded individuals with the uncertainty of being accepted or even taken seriously.  I have more than one goal I am working towards. My journey just so happens runs parallel with my daughter’s journey. Not to say that it’s a race but more like a buddy system.  If it wasn’t for her starting on her journey to success, I wouldn’t be on mine. She motivated me to go after my own goal instead of dedicating myself to assist her in pursuing hers. We, Asia and I are bound to get to that finish line. We will continue to bounce off each other’s energy, pull one another along during times of lag or discouragement and most importantly encourage one another to keep going. We are a mother-daughter tag team system. I am less physically able than my daughter due to extensive nerve damage but just knowing that she believes in me and my creative abilities is all the strength I need to keep on keeping on. My ultimate goal is to inspire anyone who feels trapped in their own darkness. Dreams aren’t diminished just because you become disabled. Life’s obstacles may block us, but it can be just temporarily. There is always a detour route to be taken, you must learn where to look.

Will you support the building of my network?  You can become a part of it just by sharing this blog to your social media. Just click on the appropriate button below.  Feel free to reblog any of my previous posts as well to your already established blogs.  I believe in you all and appreciate the sharing of your personal experiences. I also appreciate the valuable information you share as well.

Let’s continue to show support of each other’s part contributed to this huge network called the WORLD!  Remember SHARING is indeed CARING!!!

Thank you all!!!!